Waiting For Awakening To Happen (From a Group meeting)

This episode is an excerpt from a group meeting on zoom on exploring the illusion of a separate self. in this episode I talked about three questions:
waiting for awakening to happen, fear and no self and a closer look at how to end resisting life.

these meetings are free and available for everyone, you can find details on my website Ilonaciunaite.com. 

Work with me. 
http://www.IlonaCiunaite.com/sessions 

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Music by Valdi Sabev, Visit his channel for more calm and relaxed music 
https://www.youtube.com/c/ValdiSabev/featured

#awakeningnow #ilonaciunaite #selfinquiryquestions #liberationunleashed #seeingthroughselfillusion #howtodoselfinquiry roughselfillusion

Websites
http://ilonaciunaite.com
http://liberationunleashed.com

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction
• 1:05 Waiting for Awakening to happen
• 14:50 Fear, no self and beingness
• 29:03 How to stop resisting life

Transcript

Welcome to the show.
This is episode number 72 waiting for awakening to happen

my name is Ilona Ciunaite. I am a guide, and author and a co creator of the Liberation Unleashed community and this is a place you want to be if you are interested in all things awakening. In the last 13 years I have been guiding, pointing and supporting seekers on their awakening journeys and because of that I have acquired experience on how to end seeking, how to find inner peace and enjoy life. on the show I talk to seekers and teachers about the fundamental shift, what leads to it, what happens after and how to navigate awakening life.  

This episode is an excerpt from a group meeting on zoom on exploring the illusion of a separate self. in this episode I talked about three questions:
waiting for awakening to happen, fear and no self and a closer look at how to end resisting life.

these meetings are free and available for everyone, you can find details on my website Ilonaciunaite.com. 

[Music]

today's topic and every meeting's topic is seeing through this illusion of a separate self and the first question would be why to see through that illusion what's the big deal and So my answer to that would be well we can live life looking at everything in the same way a whole life and without asking this question who am I what am I doing here what's going on really and we can live our whole life like that and it's no problem why to see through that

illusion at some point there is this question who am I and you cannot Escape that if it comes and grabs hold of you you cannot escape that and it's just going to be bugging you and not letting you sleep before it gets resolved so when this question is coming in there's no other way just have to start looking and start digging and for some people it may take a month or a year or for somebody else maybe 40 years but once that question comes in it's that's it it's got you so it's not a question of why anymore it's how how to see it how to get clarity of what is going on and here we are here we are uh there are Tendencies there are people stuck in the same places there are questions that everyone needs to ask but there's also very very individual process very individual so generally yes we can look at the same questions and can be reading a book or watching a video and something resonates

but working individually with somebody helping you out with somebody individually is where you can crack open things that you haven't seen before that we all have blind spots and it's great to to have somebody to point them out or just to ask a question that you would never ever think yourself asking and that question can be standing there for thousand times you could have seen it thousand times but mind would go that's not important let's go do something else but these are the questions that really can penetrate and open up something deeper that's that's how I invite you let's work individually and everyone else can benefit from that because what happens in a group when we join here together these questions are not just your own it's everyone's so working with some somebody you can feel the energies moving through you you can feel the question in you and the answer coming from your core from your self not from me but that's that's the thing with the group The energy is more intense and it allows that energy to come into you and work its way through and often people say that oh I I had a question I didn't even know I had it and whoever wants to come first welcome please thank right so what's called holding you up from what

 letting go

and jump or fall or uhhuh do you find yourself waiting for something you find that you are waiting for something that could be are you waiting for something maybe it's expectations or yeah waiting for something ahuh okay okay let's feel into that waiting okay yeah yeah let's wait just sit and wait any minute now hurry up chop chop

let's wait just feel that waiting

it's okay let's acknowledge the waiting

 do you feel it now?

yeah yeah and what are you waiting for to be pushed over the edge M

mhm what if there is no edge

 it's now and now and now and now it's no Edge

there's nothing that needs to happen there's nothing out there just now what's here now the waiting feeling experiencing longing

like fish in the ocean saying ah drop me into water please can somebody drop me into water it's like I don't have the trust that I'm already in the water oh poor fish in myself oh yeah probably oh drying out yeah drying out in the water where is that water I want it

yeah it's it's so interesting because we are waiting for something else or something different or something should change and now waiting itself wants to be seen

now where is the waiting in your body where do you feel it

my chest yeah in the in the heart area somewhere yeah yeah okay well tell it tell that energy just look at it feel it tell it I see you I acknowledge you you are here you can be here

 and thank you for coming

 thank you for coming thank you for calling

is it okay to feel it

 yes it's yeah disappears when I look at it or feel it ah so funny because your picture disappeared as

well here you are oh it's alive this life is alive it's like a trickster playing game 

okay so let's look at that energy of that waiting or longing or calling from within that's something that is drawing in say okay show me show me what do you want me to see why do you want me to go and follow it go right deeply into it go in

what I find is like it's called there is nothing wrong oh there's nothing wrong yeah we see I agree I there nothing wrong I agree

it's nothing wrong I can live I can live free

right

yeah that waiting is like next next next what somewhere somewhere else not here but when you stop and look at that waiting the here opens up here now it's nowhere else to be nowhere else to get you're already here now you already

are because I often it's like I live in between where I am and where I want to be and I'm in that middle space uhuh uhuh yeah but the invitation is to come home yes come

home oh actually we never left home we just think that we left and now we need to get somewhere

I think the closest thing is when you let's say you are looking for your glasses everywhere for whole day can't find it and then sudden it's like oh my they on my head no lost I never lost them I was looking for thing that I never lost and it's

like it's not like I found it it's more like how could I never seen it here before that kind of stuff

yeah here now it's just openness whatever is happening is fine there's nowhere to get there's no separate self that has to get awakened or through a gateless gate or anything like it's just this

yeah I can just take a few deeper breaths here we are nothing to wait

anymore no falling over an edge either

more like leaning back into your comfortable chair like ah I'm

home yeah

thank [Music] you welcome

[Music] I think all these teachings they can be entertaining and valuable as entertainment but as long as they are not telling you look for yourself it's just entertainment look for yourself means look here it's not somewhere else nobody else has your experience you're already in your experience and that's where to look

okay who who's next I have a question Ilona hi hi um I know that you're also trained as a therapist and so the question comes for me is um say uh traumatic response or or fight or flight response rather um

not necessarily a decision that I can make whether that reaction is going to happen or not and that reaction is it could be very strong and it that reaction is in protection of a or of the organism or of the self perhaps and so in that with that in mind I don't always understand what you mean by it's a decision or once you've seen it it can't be unseen um for everybody else I my first conversation with alone it was in 2011 I think and we both agreed that I'd seen through but there's there's many many points

of of belief mingled with um fight or flight freeze responses that um they're they're real right and it's not that it doesn't it's not my decision that that there's a belief that this is an individual self and needs to be or not needs to be but is um what was I saying is an individual self that needs to be protected that's um that's a natural that's nature right right that's nature that's

nature but where does the decision come in like

uh I accept that this self is not a real self I suppose is that what here so what you're asking

okay um reactive self is is not a real self okay it's not you I know that in but I don't don't feel that when when it comes down to saving my life yes yes well we can sit and talk about it but in a situation where there is a threat for Life your body is going to react your mind is going to react the nature kicks in so it's not just sitting and theorizing about it there is a real response yeah and as you said you don't choose it you don't decide it it happens it doesn't it doesn't go against that there is no self no self okay if we look at this word there is no self it's a short shortcut it's just a term or it's a concept what does it really mean the way I see is there is no separate self that is running life there is no I and life there's no me here life out there it's it's one this is life it's no Gap this is not a piece of life this is

life everything is life your emotions your thoughts Sensations body mind everything is life there is no me and life so whatever is going on whatever is unfolding in whichever way it flows is life but the belief that we work with this illusion is that there is me and life but what I'm saying stress response yes but there's life as me I see like it's not a part it's life as everything and that word as kind of makes everything very clear if you look let's say at a tree or an animal or something is life happening to a tree or as the tree mean what we call a tree is is the whole it's the roots the the Earth Sky the rain the clouds the ocean everything but this form is called a tree but it doesn't exist outside of life this is life showing up as this form as this tree

 and same as this life as

 and life shows up as patterns as fear responses as freezing as flight fight or selfishness as selfishness as as as

the imagined line between me and life doesn't exist so that means no self no separate self running the show no separate self in charge of big life or small life or any life and when you think about it it's quite funny you know if like they say it's 8 billion people I don't know whatever you know 8 billion people and everyone is running life and life is like oh I don't know what to do tell me tell me what do you want me to do it doesn't work like that 

so in a moment of instinctual selfishness it can be awareness that it's not a self in charge of that selfishness or something

right okay that's what shows up seems kind of hard to uh be that clear in a moment say you're threatened or angry or whatever yes yes yes not not aware of uh yeah but that's that's an interesting thing also that how are these patterns going to self-resolve if they wouldn't come up they need to come up they need to be seen consciously so that they get their resolution the unconscious patterns are running the show in a way that we don't see them we don't know them they in a blind spot they are denied they are not accepted they are not investigated they not seen they running

automatically but that's the thing of being becoming awake to them not from them to them and that wakefulness that attention of becoming conscious of the the pattern gives it a chance to self-resolve because the whole system is designed by nature to work to work in Harmony in balance and with the whole it's not designed to self-destruct it's designed to work is it designed to seek because yes because that's also part of evolution you might say stop seeking just be where you are but there could be a lot of conditioning or subconscious uh forces driving seeking still right that's also a program it's also nature so the answer is not to stop seeking because well that's going to happen or not well as I say seeking has that sense of desperation because it's not looking in the right place and the finding or exploring is coming back home and seeing what's already here yeah so that I punch somebody in the face it's because I I'm looking in the wrong place right but I but I can still have that instinctual response to protect my organism Okay this may be a little bit far but maybe it's close let's see for example uh you have salad in the morning and you go to work meet some friends have a chat with the neighbor you come home all day you didn't look in the mirror but now you in the evening you look in the mirror and here you go you have a salad stuck to your tooth right good story what happens when you see that salad in teeth immediately what's what happens I take it out right exactly once you see it it's not right it's

self-ajustst right if you if you were talking to a friend or a neighbor with that salad and you didn't see it nobody pointed it out for you you didn't know you acted as if everything is okay right you just didn't know there was complete ignorance of the green thing on your teeth yep but as soon as you saw it it was immediately action to take it out it didn't need to be taught to do that it's how the system knows to self adjust when it notices something is not working

 but we need to see things for it to self-adjust

so there there's General seeing of no self and then particular specific seeings of non no self when when when there's a selfishness that comes up or

like oneway flip it's oneway flip and the space opens the point of seeing that there is no self that means I am not the body I am not the mind I am not running the show I'm not thinking I'm not breathing everything is happening yeah it's a free flow of experience that is happening and then it lets leads to the question then what am I if I am not this that and the other what am I so seeing that what I thought was me is not me what am I and that kind of Falls in naturally because what's left what's left is this openness the space the nothing emptiness what other words being existence life it
kind of leans back into it and settles into

it and everything can continue everything is continuing anyway as it always was continuing but I'm not that I'm not the wave I'm the ocean I'm not the character I'm not the selfishness I'm I'm the space I'm the space in which it all comes and goes I'm aware of what comes and goes you know that word space doesn't even do it either it it's beyond words but it's known by being 

so yes selfish pattern fine glorious pattern fine it's it's not you none of it is you

 so what's no self point to that it's a lot more than just two words no self it points to Cosmic Laws the totality of everything how everything is working and that there is this beingness that doesn't change that is here now while everything is

changing I'm here

thank
you we can just fall into that

[Music] question can you tell a bit more about the resistance that can appear towards just being here oh very good question thank you

right okay question like this um do you feel resistance right now sitting in the room looking at the screen just hearing whatever sounds I hear colors that I hear Sensations that I hear still resistance right now

I don't know for me it's it's no resistance right now with what is here the resistance shows up with the thoughts mostly about what is not  here

either the past of some painful experiences of the future some anxious things going on there but right here right now sitting in the room I I don't need to resist anything

here so just being here what does that really mean just being here

it's it's leaning back into that space that we are like a sky-like space that space is always open it's always available and it's not hiding but it's found by noticing it rather than finding it by seeking it or uncovering it

and that space is not resisting anything it's allowing it's fully

allowing it's not even a question of resisting or allowing everything can come in and go

but then there is this pull and pull of things that come in and go that that is also a program that is also another thing that is coming in and going that resistance

and whatever is showing up is here to be seen so even the resistance can be allowed and accepted and said yeah I agree actually that's the quickest and most

um I mean it's the quickest and the most sure thing to deal with the resistance is saying I agree oh I don't like this I agree yeah I don't like this it's like acknowledging the resistance rather than fighting it somehow or making it wrong it can always be just allowed as well and agreed with if you agree with something that is arguing against life or against what is here you know you say I agree the argument is over that's it what else to say

right but if there are some painful situations painful memories of painful Sensations in the body that feel unsafe unsafe and there is a a pattern or a mechanism of trying to get out of here not to feel it and the antidote to that is noticing and recognizing that it is safe to feel whatever is here safe what will happen to you if you feel something unpleasant or uncomfortable or so deep what will happen to you nothing you can feel whatever showing up whatever is coming here to be felt so there is a freedom to feel freedom to experience freedom to witness what wants to come in and pass

it's interesting to notice that our thoughts about the future which create anxiety and fear there are about a future

feeling if that happens that will happen then I will feel like that that's really the pattern of fear about the future feeling that is not here now but what if that happens how will I deal with that maybe I I cannot deal with that it's too much so all our fear is thoughts about future feeling that I don't want to have I want to escape I want to get out of that not to feel that and then there is this controlling showing up the wanting to control the situation not to feel it

but if I can see that pattern and how it's working in my day-to-day experience I can see that if this thought about what will happen then is creating tension in my body and it feels right here or right there or right

there then I can look at it is this helpful is this is this actually helping is it practical is it useful maybe it's not and the safety is not out there in the future the safety is now in this openness and the spaciousness and and home at home home meaning feeling open and calm and protected and nurtured by yourself

and the very peculiar thing about resistance is that we identify with it

I don't like it I think it should be different I want something else that I comes in with the narrative and creates that I as an apparent entity that is resisting so there is the sensation of push and pull I want something to be here or I want something not to be here that push and pull and the narrative about it says me I am resisting I don't like it so a lot of our identity is in that resistance and if you look at that how much energy that resistance is taking how much Life Energy it's holding

yes it's protecting something the resistance is protecting

something and that energy that is going in that resistance is saying don't look there don't go there don't allow that don't be with that so how much energy is going into that resistance into that me

and one way to say to it I agree I agree I agree

that's where it can start melting

because when it has nothing to say there is no more I there because the I comes in with the narrative in the narrative about the I that is resisting

yeah that's one of the places where the separate I or separate me or separate self is hiding in a plain sight as resistance

so let's let's look again at this room there's it's just a room colors sounds Sensations there's nothing here that I need to try to push and pull so this is the safe place everything can be as it is now it's now the immediate actual

experience and we don't even need to think about it it's like kind of going on by default nothing to do about it nothing to identify with

all right um the message is I often have this voice in my head saying you should be doing something else it doesn't matter what I'm doing I'll try agreeing with that Voice next time oh this should and shouldn't yeah that is resistance and it's unconscious because how do you know what you should and shouldn't be doing I mean how does that work voice in the head knows what you should and shouldn't be doing

but if if it's left unchecked if it's left believed it will grow and it will make life very painful because this reality is not what it should be like and the way is not to change reality because we cannot change that but to look at these shoulds and shouldn't see them I agree that that's not how life is life is exactly as it should be how do you know it is this is how it is

and then there is this great exercise to give it as a homework sometimes some people I work with is just to take a piece of paper and write down everything that should and shouldn't be how I should and shouldn't be how others shouldn't should be everything whatever Health money relationships all areas of life like taking an inventorisation inventory of what the mind is saying that shouldn't shouldn't be like okay this voice knows a lot right it has a whole image of how life should be now let's really get into the depths of it and figure out what it knows none of that is true none of that is true but unless it's checked and seen it's running unconsciously

so when the voice says you should be doing something else I would say and how do you know that how do I know know that

a funny example is that uh we moved me and my husband moved to Lithuania once and then I don't know sounded like a good idea to buy a house in a village it wasn't good idea bad idea bad idea but anyway so we bought this house in the village and there was this garden a lot of like you could grow vegetables and strawberries and stuff but you know the weeds are growing the weeds are growing and I have to go and take the weeds out and in the beginning in Spring it was like Yay good fun I love it yes let's do that then it rains and the weeds grow and there is no time and then this happens and that happens and you know the wheeds start overgrowing it's just so much I'm like ah what to do now it's too late it's too late lucky me in this situation we sold the house and I left all the weeds and ran away

but with the weeds of should and shouldn't we can't run away we take them with us you know so we do have to tend our mind garden and make it clean and clear of all the shoulds and shouldn'ts otherwise we want to run away and there's no way to run away from from yourself from your own

mind yeah now I have no weeds oh a little bit behind the house just a few once in a few months I go and pick it and I always remember that sea of weeds that I couldn't deal with anymore

so shoulds and shouldn'ts are like weeds in the garden and if unless they taken care of they are going to overgrow and make life miserable because it seems like this voice in the head knows how life should be and it's complete nonsense

life is exactly as it should be how do you know this is it this is here this is here

resistance is one of most interesting things to explore when we are no longer running away from it or think that it's a problem it's actually our guiding system it can be so useful on this journey because anything we resist is just saying oh here's the next invitation this is what you need to look at this is exactly what is opening up now

you can use resistance to uncover things that you haven't looked at

like there is this system the system is built up from all the beliefs behaviors reactions relationships emotional responses it's a system that is working and the resistance is here to protect it so it doesn't fall apart it's not something that can anyone else play with it's it's like a bubble bubble or a bundle you know we hear that it's a bundle of thoughts so it's a bundle of beliefs bundle of emotions so that bundle is protected by resistance the resistance is saying don't touch this don't look there because you don't want to change even a tiny little bit because if it doesn't fit the rest everything has to reorganize itself it's a big job you don't want to do this big job you know you never know what will happen it's scary because you don't know that's what resistance is saying you don't know don't look

that yes and that bundle is being

protected and the core of that beliefs is that I am here separate from life and I need to hide from life I need to be taking care of myself first of all and I'm separate so that belief doesn't want to be looked at I mean protected by resistance big time because otherwise what the game

over and the mind knows that it knows the Mind knows what is a belief what is truth but it has to pretend that it doesn't know or that it forgot and not to look there and not to recognize it consciously because the whole system has to reorganize itself and then the game over the game of playing a small play game of playing this little me that is somehow a victim can't play that anymore

so when the resistance comes up it's like Yay something's ready thank you for coming what is there for me to see what are the gifts of this

occurrence because we can either be building on that bundle or deconstructing it and with deconstruction there is more and more space there's more and more openness and flow and joy there's room for other things rather than me and my beliefs me and my

opinions but that me that resistance itself has to be also allowed and made friends with and made useful cuz it's not what it

[Music] seems welcome