Self-Inquiry Session With Christine, Part 1

In this Self-inquiry session with Christine, we dive deep into issues of guilt, safety, feeling unsafe, inner child, intensity and more. 

Work with me. 
http://www.IlonaCiunaite.com/sessions 

Subscribe to my Newsletter for updates, gifts and to receive info about free monthly meetings on Zoom 
https://ilonaciunaite.com/subscribe/

Music by Valdi Sabev, Visit his channel for more calm and relaxed music 
https://www.youtube.com/c/ValdiSabev/featured

#awakeningnow #ilonaciunaite #selfinquiryquestions #liberationunleashed #seeingthroughselfillusion #howtodoselfinquiry roughselfillusion

Websites
http://ilonaciunaite.com
http://liberationunleashed.com

Transcript

Welcome to the show! This is episode 75, Self-Inquiry Session With Christine, Part 1.

My name is Ilona Ciunaite. I am a guide, author, and co-creator of the Liberation Unleashed community. If you’re interested in awakening, you’ve found the right place. Over the past 13 years, I’ve had the privilege of guiding and supporting seekers on their journeys to discover inner peace and freedom.

in this Self-inquiry session with Christine we dive deep into issues of guilt, safety, feeling safe, inner child, feeling intensity and more.
 
hello Christine hi Ilona great to see you again me too right we had a meeting last week and after that did you notice anything interesting or different or anything worth to notice yeah I mean it's been sort of um kind of the same rough ride this week um

uh it's hard to describe really I mean it does it feels like a

um like I'm on like a runaway roller coaster ride or something um and we did talk about last week kind of putting aside non duality a bit or whatever and that's just happening it's so weird it's like you know there's this rational thought that okay we're just not going to watch videos we're not going to read we're not going to inquire whatever and really it's the inquiry That's Just Happening by itself you know there's just there was a couple days of um kind of tending to this energy or emotional stuff that was kind of coming up  seemingly and then it kind of morphed into um just questioning like okay well who's feeling who's afraid who's who is this what is this entity what is this energy um that's here and

then you know when looking be begins then it just sort of dissolves or moves or shifts and

um it's so exhausting it's so exhausting all of it and it's

um yeah there's just so much doubt to just like not really knowing like what's really happening or if anything is happening or kind of wanting to just um be with what's here you know and not be thinking about like some other situation or goal or wanting to feel different or things to be different than they are and yet there is real desire for that um which is what's fueling all this I guess yeah but that desire is also here yeah

yeah okay can we just welcome that desire or something something else it's a call from within it's a call saying that this can look and feel different it can that desire is calling home it's not

wrong I feel like going crazy yeah yeah

and you know something is happening something is definitely happening some kind of process is in full full on in full sway I can see

that you want it or not it's like the ride is on the roller coaster is on yeah yeah and it's going where it's going

yeah because there's also this sometimes this questioning like well do is there a choice like is there

um which doesn't really seem true anymore but but of course you know there are thoughts that just keep trying to make sense of it you know like yeah how do we navigate regular life you know or all the stuff that seemingly has to be done

and it's funny too getting over the call tonight because I feel like before I

came something is like there's a I don't to describe

it like I feel more muddled than usual even you know just like it's like it's like in preparation things just like sort of uh trying to shut it down or something does that make sense it's like a wave is swelling a wave swelling yes exactly yeah let's let's welcome that wave just welcome all of it okay yeah welcome welcome welcome you can be here you're welcome thank you for coming oh thank

you for coming yeah all of it the wave the wanting to escape the wanting to be different the resistance the hope the dispair yes it is Big

Wave yeah there is enough space for that

wave you're not that wave you're seeing it

you're seeing it the whole thing the images Sensations emotions

all of it something else that came up this week was sort of seeing the condition more a little bit of separation from um yeah feeling like more like oh it's so annoying I can't like form words

um I guess we're just seeing this clearly this character like that you know the the

I don't know why I can't like why it's there's such a fog it's just kind of come in

um yeah just seeing more clearly the mechanism you know the that like

this reality you know the structure of what always felt like me just seeing more clearly like well that's could be a different story it could be something else could you know that these aren't um I'm sorry it's so frustrating because I my brain is just like not functioning maybe that's a good thing yeah I think it's a good thing kind of Rises and then puff rises in yeah self clarifies it's clearing itself all yeah like idea comes in and it's like yeah doesn't hold you can't hold it yeah yeah it's bizarre I've had that before but not really like like snowflakes falling down from the sky and melting before they reach the ground exactly that's a really that's a beautiful way to describe it something that feels so weird um yeah anyway so that felt like a really big like a stepping back a bit from feeling less um immersed in the story a little bit more distance uh well the story can be here as well there is so much um rejection for the story yeah can be saying oh the story is wrong it shouldn't be happening it needs to be gone but what if it also wants to be liberated the story itself wants to be free to be or not to be to show up or not to show up there is nothing wrong with this

story it ca be here too

yeah yeah I'm realizing that you know can drop it you know sort of responsibility and the guilt and all that Stuff kind of it's like it's I didn't choose any of that it's

just the guilt is such an interesting thing the guilt um and many people have the same Shame and guilt are like two sisters yeah holding hands shame and guilt yeah

so the guilt is saying oh I did something wrong I did something bad and if that's true that's it's good you know there is functional guilt I did something wrong I learned from it I regreted it I know what not to do next time that that guilt is fine it's got its right and function but the guilt then is holding on it's not leaving it's staying like there's something ultimately wrong with me yeah yeah it's like I am wrong yeah not that I did something wrong but that yeah I am wrong just being alive yeah I shouldn't be here I don't deserve it I'm here taking space or something yeah that guilt is it's not helping no and it's crazy because it's again like that sense of like well just not true you know I didn't choose that I didn't you know that the way that was absorbed or adopted that sense that feeling is not something you choose it's just something that happens or right but it's like um what's that um plant Scot Scottish national flower you know these balls that sticky things oh I don't know the word thisle thisle I lived in Scotland and forogot  you know this thistle these this spiky things and they stuck on you and you carry them around it's

like I don't need this I didn't know even when it came on I was just walking by but just lobed on just clung on yeah yeah they going for ride without being noticed but when we notice it can just yeah that doesn't belong here so that guilt is kind of like that they hoped on for a right sitting on the back

yeah but let's really look at this if you if you can bring that guilt up now like that feeling of guilt whatever thoughts or stories bring it in just think for yourself a little bit so to get in touch with get in touch with it it's ok

is it here it's not actually

it's like this sense of

 I don't know how to describe it I mean there's like peace but there's also like

um I don't even know that's weird

yeah just kind of confusion like I said fogginess

um and

uh yeah I assume it doesn't make for great content but like it's just beautiful it's beautiful because you can see you can see that as soon as you turn towards it without fear or without avoiding you just like come on come I want to see yeah yeah it has no hold yeah yeah for sure

no yeah that's actually happened a bunch this week too sort of you know like turning towards it and then it's like oh it's not really is it there was it ever there is there anything you know I think that's just really seeing clearly that too that none of it's solid nothing is solid in the way it has seemed and when you look at really look yeah that kind of teaches you don't need to run away from anything because it's only there while we are running yeah yeah so funny how that doesn't seem true when it's in the moment yeah

yeah yeah and pondering that question like what am I looking for like what is it that's

um yeah I don't know

something is being reorganized here something as we speak

seriously yeah because I yeah I had a weird day at work today and then I had things are just again coming up and I'm sort of seeing things in a new way or I don't know and sometimes it's subtle but my boss um had a reaction today to something and normally that would kind of you know send me into a bit of a tail spin I you know I don't like nobody does but you know I like to please and she's there's something about like her um

I don't know what it is but anyway something just set her off today and it was like I realized in the moment I was like her reaction wasn't warranted you know or it was like it just didn't stick to me in the same way it was definitely a moment of like no that's not really true in this situation you know like you're not doing anything wrong it's fine you're asking a question you don't know something there's nothing wrong with that and it was really because that never happens there you know that's not traditionally how that's that would go down it normally would just really yeah it's just like you know it's like kick in the stomach or something and um yeah so it was it was good to notice that and to be I mean it wasn't you know didn't feel great but there was definitely especially after the fact just a a little reorganization of like you know she's having a moment whatever reason something's going on and it just struck her this way and you know it's okay great yeah but there is still you know of course this big story about the future what are we doing with our life all these things it's like okay bring it back what are we doing right now in this moment um oh this I think with future we don't know we can project we can hope we can expect we can be afraid we can be thinking about it but truly we don't know

yeah yeah I mean it's been a while just trying to like live moment to moment almost because it's just felt so bad um

yeah and then that sort of like okay well we're just waiting there is a sense of like this you actually watch one of your videos this week you several videos that you that you put up that were so appropriate um for exactly what's happening but one of them was like waiting for awakening you know it's like this kind of like waiting for life to start waiting for this sense an understanding of like what's true in order to like function in life in the world and to really know that you know um because of this sense of like what we what I thought was true you know isn't it's not really who I am so who who the hell am I you know and then what does that mean you know for the story The Character you know and even that whole anyway so then it just gets snowballed into this like whole thing and

 yeah well in reality it's all very simple in reality I mean not in imagination imagination makes it complicated but in reality it's all very simple we are here right now right having this conversation right there this room these colors these sound these Sensations in reality in actual experience this is it this is it this is it and then you don't need to know what to do next because next is already here and already here here yeah taking a breath that's all it

is so do you not think about the future or think about like plans or what you minimally yes in the practical way

mhm but you're not like worrying obviously or like how can I worry about something that I don't know yeah I don't know I can create I mean the Mind used to create what if what if what if what if and it just goes wild with these what-ifs
 and then ends up exhausted trying to fix problems that don't even exist well first it creates the problems then it tries to solve them then it cannot solve them insane Total Insanity yeah that's misuse of the imagination yeah yeah completely misused energy you know it's doing that out of love yeah yeah I can see that innocence yeah like like worrying what is worrying really it's yeah yeah it's caring yeah it cares about not feeling hurt it cares so they you will be okay so it's caring but caring has got into um twist yeah and now it's worrying like it has that sense of dread of fear yeah or what if it will go wrong

but if you see that it's caring loving kind thank you so much love you mind good work

yeah and it's very interesting this fear of not knowing can look at that fear of not knowing yeah what we know just what's here right now it's knowing what's here right

now yeah and that sense that of knowing that used to feel true wasn't really true anyway like it's we never know never known it's just the Mind thinking it had some control over that or some way of knowing but what's not what's so scary about not knowing because other than this we don't know anything yeah it's like it's more we don't know than we know so much more we don't know than we

know so why is that scary

really yeah why

I mean does it all boil down to that sort of Primal childhood [ __ ] where you don't feel safe in the world and um

yeah do you have the sense of like you know knowing who who like who you really are like where you that they talk about you know the teachers or whatever other the books the sages you know like who we really are is this in this moment

yes it will show up it will show up really I know that something is that's about it and that gives you like a sense of okayness and I think sense of safety is what is being installed in our childhood as we are born as a baby right if your mom was scared your father was scared if you if they didn't feel safe they couldn't install this application property I mean you got what they had right and unless we reinstall that ourselves

properly you're so good with the words like that's such great this like perfectly describes what needs to happen unless we reinstall that properly get the right update then we carry on living with that fear that was from Mom and Dad yeah from environment yep so that sense of safety is knowing that here now I am okay I am supported I'm loved I'm looked after I have everything I need right now that's it that's the safety

yeah to just see that over and over

again and if there is that sense of unsafety
little girl that little one is still hasn't felt that

so we need to go back in time install it in that little one then here automatically feel safe right here now we know that I'm safe I mean there is no danger yet there may be a feeling of danger yet there maybe a feeling of unsafety that is not coming from this environment right now but it's still the call for that safety from the little one which is still unsafe

you know past present and future is

now I know that conceptually okay let's see that in actual experience right okay now is now okay here we are just talking yeah yep now I'm going to ask you a question and you tell me how it arises what's happening in your experience and the question is very simple what did you have for breakfast this

morning oatmeal how did that happen how did that knowledge

arrived just arose popped in the mind uhuh did you go to the Past or the past or the image of the past popped in now

 yeah just popped in

now okay next question when you were a little girl, di you have a bicycle Mhm yeah you remember riding it yeah what color was it it was purple oh nice yeah so again see the past is in the image that shows up in the moment now like you didn't travel to the Past right nothing it was just a question a response in a moment

now so the past is the image in the mind with a tag the past it happened a memory that's the

past how about the future is the future some mystical place where we can travel sort things out oh is it also yeah yeah that's now too yeah let's see what are you going to do tomorrow it's weekend what are you going to do tomorrow

I'm going to go see my son in a competition

 but that's all just the imagination picturing that happening but that's happening

now because I don't know actually exactly what will happen tomorrow anyway just imagining it so it's also an image in the mind about future with the tag tomorrow it may

happen but it's

here yeah yeah so we are we are programmed to think that past was somewhere maybe down here now it's here and the future is there like in a line MH but if that line is like this past is here now is here the future is here so

now and that little girl that is not feeling safe is not somewhere unreachable is present H yeah and then we don't need to travel somewhere in the past we can attend to her

now and she's also just an image right a

thought well an image and a thought is a representation or a symbolic expression of the energy

our feeling experience MH that's interesting I've never heard that expressed that way that it's good to think of it that way because it's it's like you said it's not inaccessible because it's all right here it's right now all of it all the experiences and memories and stuff they're all here

For Better or Worse oh good news is that it's accessible and it can be looked at it can self

resolve yeah because if you think about time travel you can't really go back in time let's say 70s or something and change what happen there that happen happen right but the response to what happened it's still here now right so we can look at the response to what happened the relationship with it and when that resolves looking at the past it looks and feels

different yeah the past has changed a lot too

actually there aren't a lot of I mean there's always been kind of fuzzy memories of childhood but a lot of that stuff feels like it's

been I don't know worked through or a seen or something because it's not as you know Vivid sort of traumatic stuff feels more resolved it's kind of the more recent more recent drama trauma um that feels like it's sometimes still hanging around but that also feels different everything's changing it feels really quick too like there just it's so exhausting and then you sometimes just turn around you're like what is that what wait you know like what's going on why is that here you know um

yeah okay so let's look into this little girl now and see how she feeling how she's feeling okay you can close your eyes for a little bit

okay and let's invite your little girl the little one you don't need to imagine or do anything you just wait she comes in then you tell

me come come little one I wanna have a chat

do you see her or feel her or sense her is she here

 kind of having the same images I had last

week how is she looking

 just looks really sad

sort of It kind of goes back to one really

 what was just a scary moment or experience and last week sort of I you know I was on the bed with

her um basically like doing what my mom didn't do in the moment which was to just you know care for her and protect her

hey little little one I see you I'm here I'm here I see you I'm here you're

here and you are

wonderful and I love you so much

tell her you're not alone and you are safe you safe

how is she looking it's better shei s my arms oh

wonderful tell her you are protected I'm protecting

you you are safe

say whatever happened you are still safe

 yeah I think she feels safe now yeah mhm okay ask her what do you need or want to feel even safer what can I give you

yeah she just wants me to stay with her okay stay with her just stay

 and how is she looking now yeah it's better

 does she have a favorite toy or a blanket or

something well there were a lot of Barbies back in the day but she wants a Barbie

yeah she not saying maybe she only wants she see you

maybe yeah I hope she sticks around

she doesn't seem as sad as last week so that's good

 okay now if you open your eyes

back here do you feel safer

 yeah that's how it works  okay

it's like all these parts that somehow could not be met at the time it was too much too painful all these parts are still here in our field and they are screaming for attention it's very noisy very noisy so unless we give them what they want they can

quiet and stop

screaming that's that's how you see it that something is coming up whatever tension is coming up it's noise wants your attention saying yeah I'm here I'm here I'm here are you going to see me and you say okay thank you thank you for coming I see you see you here you are you can be here giving it attention attention is this loving

kind beautiful energy that's saying I'm okay you're okay everything can be as it

is and when it gets that what it came for it stops screaming it relaxes

okay and that Runway roller coaster ride is just so many things that are still in need in

lack unacknowledged unloved not allowed it seems like the all at once

mhm so let's give it permission not new it's just the intensity of it that has really ramped up yeah and we can give

permission go ahead just in case let's give it permission to self liberate

self liberate all permission to all these energies all these tensions to free themselves as they come in all permission all can still

work full permission for self-liberation self-release self-healing self coming back home

 but yes there are things that we need to attend to with attention consciously but the rest can just be doing its thing full permission for it to do its thing do its thing okay yeah even intensity can be here staying

sometimes people say I can't let go like it has to sort of just like I mean it be it's a never ending a cycle of stuff sometimes it seems like and so yeah I like that idea of just it can just come and go and you know do what it needs to do it doesn't have to be a big project or like something that has to be figured out because I think that's really what's

been um the fear you know it's just

that because you know there's been a lot of therapy there's been a lot you know like all kinds of stuff over the years but I think it's what you've said too before that like nothing not really seen or something in the same in this way I don't know how to describe it really

um yeah cuz it just felt like just like more responsibility for some part that's got to like do the work quote unquote the work that's been going on for a lifetime literally I mean I started you know therapy and 12 step stuff and as a teenager younger you know like and that's kind of where it started because my mom got into AA and so I started going to Alateen which is a you know kind of I don't know if
you ever heard of Al-Anon you know it's for family members of Alcoholics and oh no I never heard and yeah and so like the premise of that like being like well there's something broken something wrong with you you have to fix and that sense of just like that so tired of the work working on stuff just the constant feeling of that there's something that has to be fixed right and um so yeah just being able to see it and not being afraid of that you know of the um intensity or that's another fear too you know is that like it's too much I'm not going to be able to handle it it'll be overwhelming and um oh good to see that the need to fix the wanting to fix the whole program of

fixing but that doesn't need to be fixed

either okay it's here to be

seen you know we are breathing all the time right we are breathing all the time we are aware of it or not we pay attention to it or not right you're sleeping body's breathing we talking we never talked about breathing but that was going on but as soon I started to talk about breathing there is attention on the breath okay and there is noticing breathing right now and because of that noticing it

changes MH yeah that bringing a conscious awareness of breathing witnessing breathing the breathing changes maybe it becomes more deep or slower or faster but it's being noticed so it

changes MH so see what attention does to this natural thing breathing

it's so simple that when you notice something it self ajusts you don't need to fix breathing don't need to start breathing don't need to do anything about about breathing it's going on by itself on its own already whether you notice it or not but as soon as you notice it kind of changes okay yeah

so all these patterns they also like breathing they are here they're running the noise Liberation everything is running on its own soon as you pay attention to

it somehow it's self adjust so it don't need to fix it it's not about fixing it it's about giving space noticing letting it be

it's a little bit confusing with this word letting go so we can hear it all day long let go let go let go what the hell does that mean what does that even mean how can I let go yeah but letting go is letting be letting it be as it is not letting go of the patterns letting go of that fixing it changing it it changes by itself

so now let's bring it back to the beginning when you said that you on a run away roller

coaster and you don't need to do anything about it it's on it's on something is going on okay yeah you can relax with that in that about

that yeah yeah

yeah and then just I don't know there's still that sense of

like what to do how to figure it out I know that's not how it works but thoughts are just

um yeah just what they do they try to figure it out well you give them five stars for trying right right yeah good job thank you for caring thank you for caring thank you for yeah trying to figure it out

yeah thank you for working so

much okay it's okay

right and you kind of get used to be on that rollercoaster

 you do get used to

it and sometimes when it's intense you know there's this one thing to hold on to

something and it's okay yeah I mean life has kind of been kind of that way always just very intense but there was an illusion of control or you know there was yeah and so now

that illusion's been shattered so then there's just this disorientation you know don't know and again that's there's nothing different happening really it just um yeah I mean right said maybe will settle and yeah so how about just including that intensity including it in that it's okay like we don't need to react to the intensity every time it's here it's nothing new right right so we can be here too

it's just invitation to stretch the limits or

expand yeah open up to more feeling deeper

feeling don't know how much more of that oh God it goes as deep as it wants yeah yeah I guess so you don't know the depths of your capacity to

feel which yeah I mean I that's been a Hallmark of this experience it has been intense feelings always um so yeah more of that seems scary but yeah Bring it on Bring it on Bring It On yeah bring yeah let's do it is that all you

got oh God when I hear these people who like didn't even know what was happening po they go like yeah I mean sometimes you just can't believe that it's so different you know the experience just life even in general you know so nuts

oh yes to all yes to intensity yes to turbulence yes do self-release

it's all included yeah I mean it's really helpful to hear that sort of there's nothing to do or figure out but but giving that attention and it makes it simpler and seems you know more doable for some reason like not that there's anything to do

but yeah there's definitely something going on minute I got on the call even even beforehand right before it's just like something's like it's weird it's okay yeah

yeah that's been kind of a Hallmark for the past I don't months or a year it's just like whenever there's anything different going on like great something's changing you know like let's do change because it feeling stuck is the worst so it's good it's okay  thank you oh you're welcome so we meet next week yeah sounds great thanks so much Ilona thank you much love love back bye take care you too enjoy your week byebye