The Truth About Awakening: You Are Not Broken

If you are a seeker and want to find out about how I can help you, click here https://bit.ly/4lWOhQo

The truth about awakening is this: You are NOT broken. Feeling intense emotions, disorientation, confusion, and doubt is part of the process.

In this raw, unscripted guided conversation, we explore why awakening often feels confusing, painful, or like we’re doing it “wrong.”

Through grounded insight and compassionate reflection, this episode guides you through the illusion of “lack,” and into the truth that what you’re feeling, fear, tightness, or uncertainty is not a mistake.

You’ll hear about:
• The trap of thinking something’s missing
• Why discomfort is not a sign you’re failing
• Emotional contraction vs presence
• Allowing what’s already here even if it’s not “bliss”

This is for those ready to stop searching and start remembering who they really are.

Websites
http://ilonaciunaite.com
http://liberationunleashed.com

Transcript

You are listening to 
awakening now podcast. This is episode number 102
The truth about awakening.

My name is Ilona Ciunaite. I am a guide, an author, and co-creator of the Liberation Unleashed community. If you are going through the process of awakening, this podcast is for you. Over the past 14 years, I’ve been guiding and supporting seekers on their journeys to discover inner peace and freedom.

In this podcast, I dive deep into the heart of awakening. Together with my guests, we explore the pivotal moments that spark transformation, what life looks like before and after the shift, and how to navigate the challenges and beauty of living an awakened life.

This is an unedited recording of a group zoom meeting. The truth about awakening is this: You are NOT broken. Feeling intense emotions, disorientation, confusion, and doubt is part of the process.

In this raw, unscripted guided conversation, we explore why awakening often feels confusing, painful, or like we’re doing it “wrong.”

Through grounded insight and compassionate reflection, this episode guides you through the illusion of “lack,” and into the truth that what you’re feeling is not a mistake.

when we are seeking when I was seeking it felt like something is missing and I didn't know what I didn't know what is missing but I felt like something is is not right something is not exactly as it should be and if that sense or that feeling is here and we just look into it with this question is anything missing right Now,

not in the mind, not somewhere out there in the future, in the past. Now, this is it. This mom

um I suppose it's a little bit like the question, who am I and or what am I? And you met with me personally I met with silence which is you know the confirmation that I am you know not what I think I am or there's nothing or the alternative the the equivalent of what you've just said which is there's nothing missing.

Wonderful. Thank you so much Lee. You're welcome.

Um I think the when when I asked it's the mind first I I naturally go went there which is um allowing or being um which been a a theme lately um allowing um

it feels like it's grace uh grace only thing cannot do allowing or you know and there were a lot of desperations uh feeling of um desperation out of that um and and and it's still I think it's still allowing or it's still the seeking I think um sets on when I ask now now because I I go here But then it's it's the the mind the attention is there allowing is missing.

Let's look at this very good point because we don't always talk about this allowing thing. What is that? What does it mean to allow? I mean whatever is here is already here. It's not asking for permission to be. is not asking or responding to my rejection of it or acceptance of it or allowing of it. It's literally just inner recognition that it's here. It's here. That's all.

Whatever is here, I mean these color, sensation, sounds, and inner states are here.

And right now in this moment are here. Whatever is here is here. That allowing is not a job to do your kind of permission to give. It's acknowledgement. I suppose this is where sorry if you um I suppose this is where the allowing is a verb, isn't it? So that's where there's such limitations of language. It's like a verb is a doing word and we're not doers. So, it's got so much to answer for this language business. Yes, exactly. But, but it's also an essential part of the experience because it's about separation, isn't it? And allowing the universe to see itself or the cosmos to discover maybe more about itself, see itself. But sorry, I don't want to interrupt anyway. Let's let's not interrupt. Yeah. So, when we speak with somebody, we speak until we finish and then we can change the subject on the person. Okay. I hate that. So, allowing just feel that word how it feels in you. Allowing

letting it be. Acknowledging what is here?

Why there's resistance then? Oh, the resistance is also here. Can that be allowed to can that be acknowledged to it?

And it it still feels that there's um a location that is looking down to or that is letting it be, let's say. Mhm. Mhm. Mhm. That Yeah. Where is that center location? Where is that? It's um it's actually it changes but mostly mostly there's this sense that even if I close my eyes there's yeah there's sensations. Mhm. I can feel something here like um um and around it around it. Yeah, there is some space. I cannot really tell if I close my eyes where uh um the edges of of so it feels now that there is um something looking down to something. I'm I'm looking down or looking down to the feeling this um a distance. Uhhuh. Okay. So at one at one end of that distance as you say there is a feeling. Yes. There's a sensation or energy or whichever way call it. There is something here a sensation. Let's call it sensation. There is sensation. Yeah. Right. Just feel that sensation.

Now sensation is obviously here.

Now what you're saying there's a gap between sensation and the sensor or something or someone that is sensing it. Can you look at that? What is sensing it?

It's a mental image. I would say it's an image. Okay. So it's another experience, another sensation.

So there is a first sensation an image. Now what is seeing all that? Sorry again. What is seeing all that? Where is the looker or sensor or experiencer?

I I can't locate

it. It feels like there's just these two two s sensations like um

Yeah. Yeah. So in the beginning it seems like there's a gap but one side is sensation another side is an image. So it's it's not a gap. It's just this and that.

It's not an image that is looking at sensation.

The image is also an experience that is arising. There's no it looks primary in a way of the habit. This image looks like the reference to actually anything. Yeah.

Measuring the distance. Uh-huh. But I I've never there's never questioning that image actually, you know, as a as another sensation. It is. Yeah.

Yeah. Thank you. Oh, you're welcome. That image doesn't see anything. It's the scene. It's seen. It's experienced.

So let's come back to allowing for open just allowing what that means.

It feels um some might say get closer to the feeling or the sensation um or feel it. Let's say simply feel the feeling. Mhm. Because it feels for me that it goes down to that in every everything I in the end it goes down to feel the feeling. Yes. Or for feel that whatever it is. And the more I the more there's a um feeling it like or moving the attention there it and it feels like it intensified and it would when it does the mind kicks in I'm doing it wrong or this is not the this is not actually feeling the feeling because it's getting more intense or it's like um

and sometimes Sometimes it does happen by itself. That's why the mind goes back to okay grace. So let's wait for grace to show us allowing I would say. Mhm. Mhm. Yeah. See the system it's very sensitive. So it feels but in the past we had so many experience when if something felt really bad and horrible and and we don't want that and the system doesn't want that. So there is part of it that is protecting itself from feeling meaning when this emotion comes in and starts rising or even sensation comes in and starts rising into intensity there's a mechanism that says oh that's not safe do you remember there that that happened let's not go there was just that but the point of it of all this energy is to reach the peak and this bit it's like a wave you know the wave goes up up up to the point and then drops. So when it intensifies intensifies intensifies, it reaches the peak and then it opens up and goes away. That's why when you start feeling intensity, the mind is coming in. Oh, I'm not feeling it. I'm not doing it. It's just taking away attention from that wave to complete its course. So knowing that can next time just Uhhuh. Okay. It's a wave. I see it. It's okay. It's okay. There's nothing wrong with intensity.

So yeah, the the protective narrative can be can be ignored. Uh yeah, because when it comes to doing it right wrong, you're not allowing. No, no, no. And then there's believing in that. But yeah, there is no right and wrong. It's the experience that is showing up. How can it be right or wrong? It just is. No, it just is. The right and wrong is already judgments of the mind by um whatever interpretations.

Cuz see, there are events that happen. Sometimes events happen. They are life-changing events. And it's not the event that we remember but our interpretation, the mind's interpretation. For example, just a simple example like two people are in a car crash and they meet just years ago this person was in a car crash and that one they both experienced car crash and it was horrible. One person would say, "Oh, it was so bad. I will never ever get into a car again. I can't trust the car, you know, it was just so bad. And another person would say, you know what, because of that car crash, because of the invent, I I realized how lucky I am and how how much I appreciate life and it kind of made me want to live my life fuller because I knew how fragile my life is. See, event is just that interpretation is the story that happens after the event about

That's what I mean. Like we remember the interpretation or the narrative continues with the interpretation. So if some feeling is coming in that is uncomfortable, we remember, oh that's no good. Let's get out of here. This shouldn't be happening. Am I doing this wrong? Or whatever interpretation. But whatever is happening is is just purely here. purely here without any right and wrong.

Yeah. You see that? So, you can't do it wrong. You can't do it right either. It's just

like nobody's going to give you a medal because, oh, I did this right. Look at me.

this.

Now, let's go back to allowing. How does that look now?

Um, it's relaxed. nothing around the world.

Thank you, Grace. Yeah. Thank you, Grace. Thank you. You're so welcome. Thank you.

Okay, I see Swen. Hi, Swen. Come. Come. How are you? At least no panic attack this time. Great to hear. It was really uh quite something but it resolved a lot of internal pressure and emotions. Oh, wonderful. Because I heard from people after that your our conversation had really big impact on them as well. Some of people Yeah. So, thank you.

Yeah, I saw that the snippet was online and today I feel much calmer but um there's still a bit of this feeling I'm not good enough and I take myself a bit to be this body and feel I feel stuck in life still I mean yeah but basically it's just still a stuck emotion

Mhm.

Yeah.

Do you want to look at that? Where is this energy today? Where is it in the body?

Yeah. We can I mean I feel it in the throat area. Mhm. Yeah. I feel like Yeah. not completely free, not like I can really be myself and

feel a bit like strange or odd or

let's say it's just it's just uncomfortable in a way.

Okay, it's okay. It can be there. Let's just allow it to be there. Just noticing it. Acknowledging you. You're right.

You're part of me. Mhm.

It's fueled by the story that I know like I'm not really living my life as great as I could be doing it. Oh, okay. What if at this moment this is exactly the greatest way.

Okay. It cannot be anything else now. I mean now this moment today this life cannot be anything else. It's already fulfilling itself in the in its fullness as it is.

Oh, you know what image came in? You know like this um there's a a worm not a worm how is it called? And it goes into a butterfly. What's that? Caterpillar. Oh yeah. Caterpillar. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So the caterpillar gets into this

cocoon. Cocoon. Okay. I'm also not a native speaker. So it's all right. So but you get it. So the caterpillar gets into this intermediate position before a butterfly emerges. And what happens to the caterpillar? It's not the caterpillar becomes a butterfly. It completely dissolves into a soup. It's just a soup. There's nothing there. That's part of the process, but it's completing itself in its fullness. It cannot be anything else. The butterfly will not emerge if not for that process.

So now this caterpillar thinks it's going to transform into a butterfly. But no, it has to dissolve completely. And that dissolusion, this illusion, this illusion is exactly right.

Sh it's just a stage part of process. So yes, you are living your life as it fullest at the moment. It is what it is. Cannot be anything else. Yeah, I guess I should trust the process more. I mean I always say we already trust that the sun is rising the next day but we don't trust uh that our life is working out or something. Yeah. But it's just a stage and from this stage oh it's there's so much uncertainty and not knowing and things are leaving falling away and new things not coming in yet.

But it has to complete itself.

So let's just allow it to do its job.

Like us being here right now is part of it too.

Never let go of the story. There's no problem. And there's just there's still a bit of a fight going on. But it used to be much stronger. Yeah, I also always I kind of always remember more quickly that this feeling is not my enemy. It's like it's like a download. It's like the energy that will complete me ultimately. Why am I fighting it? I don't know. Mhm.

Yeah. Yeah. What's the point of fighting it? It's not you. It's not yours. It's not what you are. It's just energy.

And you say if there is no story there is no problem. That's true. And letting go of the story means what? It's like okay that story can be here. It's not so important.

It's not like story is going to get erased. It's just that attachment to it is not so important. That story is not so important. Yes. It's like you can flip into the role if you need to, but you can also let it be if you don't need to. Yeah. Something like that. Yeah. It can be that the story also wants to be liberated.

So otherwise you know that coming back to Lord of the Rings the ring my precious what is that what is the symbol of it and says identity identity yeah my identity my story not going I throw it out. Yeah, it's so it's difficult because it's also a protective mechanism in my understanding. Yes, that's true. Yeah. And the system doesn't like to change.

No, no, it doesn't like to change.

So if if we could if it could not change, it would not change. But now it's changing and that's why it's painful.

But it's also part of the process.

I always look at this lizard. You know the lizard when it grows its skin gets too tight and then it rips. It just pulls away pieces of skin because it's too small. Now the skin doesn't grow with a lizard. So every time it goes in size it gets this new very fragile gentle thin skin and then it gets thicker thicker thickens and then at some point it starts breaking because it's too small.

So this it kind of feels like you know we are too small in this container now we have to expand but this container is has to break. She's breaking falling away naturally just falling away

kind of story doesn't get lost. It just gets new story fresh story new identity.

Yeah, it really kind of really painful to feel like you're stuck in the body and really really small. I mean, I'm a tall guy. I'm 6'4, but I felt so small and uh tiny. But uh

yeah,

it's really fascinating how space space itself can get into a container and believe itself to be small. It's fascinating.

Or maybe that's part of fun.

It's a freedom to experience what it's like to think I'm small.

So let's invite that energy to come back to its natural size. I was just going to say I just feel a bit odd again. Good. This odd feeling I uncomfortable. Yeah, that's okay. It's okay to feel uncomfortable. Kind of get used to it.

There's nothing wrong with feeling uncomfortable.

That's where all the good stuff is hide hidden and uncomfortable so you don't go and see it.

Yeah. It's like the monster under the bed.

Mhm.

Okay. Just focus on that energy in your throat. Look at it. Feel it fully. Okay.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. And that's a light. The invitation is come back to your natural size, natural form, your natural density,

your true function,

your original state.

original meaning before it got contracted before it's got into the tightness of this original natural state. All that energy already free. You know what to do. You're already free

and you know what to do. And just feel. You don't need to do anything.

You're here. That's enough.

Oh, getting really strong again. Great. So, we're going up to the peak. Okay, cool. Yes. Yes. Yes. Can you check is anything wrong with intensity? Can it be can intensity be okay?

Well, I'm getting a little panic again. It's okay. Just make it slow. Breathe. Breathe.

You are safe.

You are safe. I am here. You're here.

The energy is here.

But yeah, it's okay. It's just going through its process. Can you see that? Yeah.

That's now up here somewhere. Mhm. It's moving. [ __ ] hell. Why is this again? Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. To that. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. That's how it it gets to express itself.

allowed. It's finally allowed to express itself. It's free.

Well, I survived it last time. I will survive it this time.

Whoa.

Like here. Is anything blocking it or stopping it? Just check for me. Is it flowing freely or is anything blocking it? No, it's not. It's not holding it so much. Okay, great. Wonderful. I'll tell it. You are free. You are free. Yes, you are free. Powerful. some kind of pundalini [ __ ] or what? Man,

I'm not used to this, but I used to do chiong, so I should be able to. Oh, don't worry about you. Used to this is here now. Just let it flow now. Okay.

Yeah, we can give it one word. Soft and soft and soft and soft and soft and soft.

Soft and soft.

How is it today? I don't know. I feel a lot more power. It's like don't know why it's always so intense here with you, but it's

very energetic. Mhm. Tingling here at the ears and head with the hands.

Your energy is getting free. Yes, I guess recognizing itself as freedom.

I guess that's enough for now. I don't want to overload my system. Okay, great. Yeah, just keep keep that word with you in the pocket. Soft and soft and soften soften soft and soft. Yeah. Okay. So, thank you. I think that's good progress here. Namaste.

Okay. Oh, I see ours. Oh, let's check on our how our is doing, please.

So, I I wanted to share about this question. Is anything missing at the moment? Mhm. So I experienced um a difference when you were talking um earlier because I had a feeling that something is missing. I couldn't like say precisely what but there was a feeling. Mhm. Um but when you you were talking to to um I think there was yeah a lady before. So you said that there's um something you are seeing as an object or experience. Mhm. But still and look look at the at who is experiencing it at like at that point. So when I I tried to look uh I couldn't see any object you know who is experiencing that but at the same time I felt like oh now it feels like it's much much more uh full I don't know that maybe nothing is missing at the moment as an experience but before before that looking to that side I had this not not very precise I just felt that there's something missing I don't know what but uh looking at the place from in which I experience I guess or something like this so this made a difference and uh I wouldn't say at this at this moment that nothing nothing is missing but I feel like Uh, I mean, let's not guess. Just check. Is anything missing right now? Is anything missing? Yeah.

H. So um an answer is coming that uh

yeah the the thing is that is missing is uh that my attention um is like very much outwards or something like this. Mhm. And I I miss miss my attention inwards. I mean I I think something like this I um kind of don't see it or don't experience it fully. something like this

because of outer attention. Attention directed outward. Uh yeah, something like this. Can you turn it inwards?

Yeah. Yeah, I can.

Unless anything missing right now

feels like uh there's a a willing to to be in this attention directed inward just to stay in that for some time. It's like like a like a current, you know, like a stream going and it feels like, oh, this is good. This is good.

Yeah. And yeah, an idea comes to my mind. That's that that's that's the only thing that was missing. Sweetly sweetly sorted.

Yeah, because like I I just have a uh want to enjoy it and to stay in it for some time. And that's that's it. That's what was missing. Yay. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you, too.

I would like to share or explore me. Me please, please, please. Welcome. Hello. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. So, I've been I've been watching your videos and today um I was really like in pain. Uh I had like a contraction. Mhm. Uh in my heart and uh in my head like right here. This one is like always there for a long time and I I tried to like relax. Uh and I had like a good sleep. It was right before this. I just woke up and yeah. So like it definitely helped to just kind of uh allow it to go.

But but the one in my head is still there. It's like it's like right here whenever Yeah. Yeah.

And it's like whenever I look at it, it intensifies like it doesn't doesn't go away. Of course. I've had it I've had it go away but but it doesn't. Yes. But it comes back. Yes. Because you know it's a most subtle wish for it to go away doesn't let it complete its way.

Even the most subtle pushing it doesn't allow it to complete its way to the peanut.

So the first thing to do is to acknowledge the resistance. Okay. So if you feel it, just feel it now. Yeah. Feel it. Can you tell that sensation or that energy? Tell it this. I see you. I acknowledge you. You're welcome to be here.

And you're welcome to stay here forever.

You can be here forever if you want.

But I don't want it forever. Yes. Now we can see the resistance. Now I can say yes. I agree to the resistance. I don't want this to be here for him. I agree. I don't like it. I agree.

Yeah. I don't like it. It's not comfortable.

Oh, it's not comfortable. I don't want this. It should be gone. I agree. I don't like it. Oh, see. So I should allow the resistance. Yes. Yes. Yes. It's hearing it also allowing it. Like I agree with this resistance. I don't like this.

That sensation is not here to be liked. It's here to be felt. I think that that's a paradox, isn't it?

It's not here to be like funny. Mhm. So, let's look back at that sensation and say, "Well, I don't like you. I don't like you're uncomfortable." Yeah. Ask that sensation, that energy. Are you comfortable?

No. Right. Ask it. What do you want the most? Tell me what comes back with this question.

I'd say fun. Huh? I'd say fun. I would say fun. Funny. What's fun? Or like more action life. Mhm. Like a more active life. Uhhuh. See, I agree. Yeah, that would be nice.

And how do you want to have fun? What's that energy? And how do you want to have fun? What's fun for you?

uh like engaging with people, communicating like in real life. Yeah, that's Yeah, I agree. Yeah, thanks for reminder.

Say, ask it. Is there anything else I you want me to know?

It said that I'm done. Okay. Say, I agree. Thank you. Thank you for reminding me. I agree.

Yeah, I I can't disagree. So, yeah. Yeah, I agree. That's okay. Yeah.

Yeah. I can be as dumb as I want.

So I can just listen to it and then and then it's going to give me like right there. Yeah, that's cool. That's cool. Yeah, isn't it?

How is the pressure? How is the energy doing now?

It's like a bit better.

It's been allowed to stay here forever.

So, let's invite it to come back to the most comfortable state, size, function, whatever is natural for it.

So, you are invited to come back to your natural state and you're free. You're free. You can stay. You can go. You can come and go. You're free. And if you have a message, I'm going to listen now.

Silent. Sweet. Yeah. You know what this reminds me of? Let's say you have a you you ordered a parcel from Amazon something and then a postman comes to the door. Knock knock knock. We're going to take the parcel. I go

Sorry. That's okay. So, knock knock on the door and there's a postman with your parcel and they say, "Are you going to sign for it?" And you say, "No, I'm not at home today." No. So, it goes away. Next day comes in. Are you going to take your parcel? You going to sign for it? And you say, "No, no, I don't want this, but you order it." Right? And it keeps coming and keeps knocking on the door. Are you going to take it or not? Cuz as soon as you receive it, it stops coming. Stops banging on the door. It stops saying, "Ah, I'm here. I'm still here. I'm still here. I'm still here." Yeah, that's an analogy. Yeah. So, you just need to take it. Say, I agree. That is your signature. I received it. I agree.

Yeah, I agree. Okay, done.

That's awesome.

You made me better a little today. Wait. Yeah. And don't worry. It's not about feeling better. It's about freeing all that is not comfortable and by by acknowledging that. So we don't need to be afraid of feeling uncomfortable because the biggest freedoms the biggest gifts are hi h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h in there. They're hidden there. So we as we think somehow that pleasure is good uncomfortable feelings or emotions or situations is bad and we always want comfortable and we fight uncomfortable but in life there there is a balance there's both and when it's comfortable great you're feeling lifted up but when it's uncomfortable that means something is expanding growing

shifting like that lizard that is uncomfortable in skin until it breaks off. So it's not bad. It's necessary.

It's for your own. Yeah. So you don't need to run away from it. Those messages. Yeah.

And if you if you don't need to run away from uncomfortable anymore, you're free.

Get this. You're free. You are able to feel whatever is here. You're free. Otherwise, we can be sitting in in or I'm sitting in my chair and thinking how to escape this because it's so uncomfortable. We can't escape this.

But if you're okay to feel what is here, you

feel I still have right for it. Now play say again. I didn't hear it. I have to to take some time. Sure. doing it actually. Actually doing it and training. Yes. Yes. Things for me to like actually Yeah. feel free. Exactly. Yeah. But it's a beginning for me. The big one of the biggest shifts was learning by practice to say yes to whatever is arising. Comfortable. Comfort. Yes. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Something is here. That means it's ready. Yay.

That's kind of hard actually. It is. So, it was a little bit like a practice in the beginning, but kind of when you see that it works, it becomes interesting. It kind of becomes like um a treasure hunt. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Then

there is no more fear to feel something.

Is that whatever is arising is not you. It's not yours. It's not what you are. You are here.

And it wants your attention. I mean awareness. Words, words, words sound strange, but that's the awareness is that shines the light on the on the unconscious. So it becomes conscious and it frees itself because consciously you can't harm yourself. You can't hurt yourself.

Thank you.

So yeah, go out have some fun with friends.

I don't have any. Oh, go make some. Yeah. Have fun with strangers. Who cares? Oh, I I do that sometimes. Yeah.

Okay.

Okay. So, we have time 15 minutes for one more.

If somebody would like to take this stage, share something Hi Elona. Hi. Uh, thank you for this meeting. Um, I guess if I had a question. Um,

yeah, I guess what I've been doing is kind of just seeing just seeing what's happening. um watching patterns when I get caught up in the mind and the stories. Um

sometimes I can stop it, sometimes I can't. But um or I say sometimes it stops and sometimes it doesn't, whatever it is. But um yeah, I've had moments where the seeing of it turns into like enjoyment of like, okay, let's see what happens now kind of thing. Um

um like entertaining the thoughts of like if I'm not the doer and I'm not the decider and all this kind of entertaining those thoughts. Okay, so let's say I'm not enlightened yet. I don't see it yet, but can I play with that in the moment? And then it's like, oh, just watching what happens. Mhm. Um I do still get caught up into stuff. I have like medical stuff. I have noise stuff. I have my eye going crazy. All this kind of stuff. And then I kind of get wrapped up into it. It becomes a bit confusing to me of like but I guess not that much of like do I take action? Do I just spiritualize it? Do I um try and sink into the nature of reality or do I take action? Like I kind of get caught up in a panic. Let's say let's say I woke up with eye pain and it's all red. Is this something? do I need to go to? So it's um so just as a med as an example of when things come up in life um trying in general to take things lighter perhaps and not get sucked into a panic spiral. Yeah, that's that's huge.

Yeah. And sometimes I watch it happening like it'll stop like I'll be like, "Oh god, oh god." and I'm going into self-lame, guilt, shame, terror about my life and it's like, "Oh, wait. Oh, yeah, there's that again." And then it can kind of um sometimes I just don't need to go into that dark hole in the moment. Mhm. Um so those are nice because it saves me a few hours of my life of not being in panic and despair. So, hey, that's nice, right? And then, um other moments where I kind of get sucked in. Um, but I guess I I hear the little things that are said on on meetings like this and I'm the words will come to me here and there and um often ease up stuff. Um, and then when I do get sucked in, I try not to be as hard as on myself because that's another layer that adds to it, right? So, um, instead of being like, "Oh god, why haven't you realized anything yet? What is wrong with you? You should be beyond this." like whatever the mind will say. It's like um I don't bother with that as much as often. I think it's just like well that's not helpful. Oh, let's acknowledge that cuz this is huge. You know, you're starting to see that the radio in the head is not that important. Whatever he's saying is not that important and it's not as true as it used to be. Yeah. Yeah, like when you say that, I'm getting a shot of adrenaline like, "Oh my god, no, no, no. Do not listen to her. Panic, panic, panic right now." Um, you have to take care of things. But, uh, yes, you do. Yes, you do have to take care of things. But I'm saying it's not that important that this used to be because it's not

it only operates this operates on how what happened before and all the interpretations of the past. So it's very limited. It's not it hasn't got the wild card. The wild card is that anything can happen. The wild card is aliveness. It's alive. It's not dead past. So meaning that wonderful things can happen because when you operate from the past, when the mind operates from the past, it only looks for what was wrong. So, and projects it into the future and predicts the future as it if it would be wrong again and how to get out of that. But it doesn't operate from the mystery of that amazing things can happen. See, there are two kinds of what if. What if [ __ ] happens? What if amazing things happen? So when when he keeps talking and blaming and shaming you and making you feeling guilty whatever the pattern is not operating from the place that amazing things happen that's its limitation. That's why it's not so important because it's not entirely true.

Doesn't know. Yeah. It's trying to protect me from falling into illness, from falling into whatever my life falling apart, um from danger and um but what if amazing things are going to happen? What if your dreams come true?

Yeah, that doesn't seem very likely. It seems like you're in fairy tale land when you say that. But um yeah, but do you know what you want? like how you want to live, how you want to spend your time. Do you know that?

Not entirely sure. H cuz the mind has been busy creating creating stuff that already happened into the future.

Yeah.

It was just kind of invitation to open a little bit the door that there are many more possibilities than what happened in the past. So many more possibilities, amazing things can happen.

All right. You're not asking me to engage my mind and try and figure out a picture of the future and try to achieve it, right? You're not asking my mind to start obsessing again, right? I'm saying open to it. Just being open is an amazing thing. Because when I try to think about things, that's when it gets um my mind just starts to loop because I don't necessarily know and then I start to wonder what is caused by trauma, what is caused my upbringing, is that really what I would want or is it because I all I know is that I don't want to suffer as much and I want to try a new way. More than that, I really don't know. Right. So when you say I don't want to suffer, that means you want lightness, peace, joy. Yes. Ex. Yeah. Exactly. What would that feel like?

Let's just dream a little bit right now. What would that feel like? Well, I had a picture in my head always of becoming like zen-like calm that I just walk through life in a haze of like deep state of um you know half hypnotized like just some very like nothing touches me and I just walk around like yes my child everything is fine like kind of just um you know noise and pain nothing touches me I'm somehow walking on a cl but um I don't know just for fun let's walk around like this w two minutes just let's be like that why not to play why not you can walk like that yes my child was fine yeah a feeling just completely imperturbable but um yeah I guess it's a little boring um and lack lacking in joy but um no I always had this image of deep peace where nothing would bother me that was like what I was searching for but I I think it was just such pain so much that I just wanted an absence of that I just wanted silence. Mhm. How about that peace with a little bit of joy? Just let's allow a possibility of and now I'm Yeah. Now I'm thinking that in this lifetime I don't think that there is that silent peace all the time. There's going to be noise. So I don't think um an activity and so it's a a bit of a different vision I would say. Um well that's the vision based on the past right

the silent one or the one with more joy. The one that says that this is not this is it in this lifetime it cannot happen in anything else.

Well you said that in this lifetime this is kind of done like that. Yeah, that in this lifetime I don't think I'm going to have like find some silent place. Like even if I find some mountaintop, there'll be some cat there meowing or some person smoking. Like there's no matter where I go, like I've been to like you know places that are silent and no one's there and then there's one guy smoking or yelling to his friend. I'm like seriously seriously in the desert like seriously. It's like I can't find the peace on earth. So, I'm like kind of maybe that's not what I'm supposed to find and maybe just like um being more okay with what is rather than trying to find some secret corner at the top of the Himalayas that's like silent and nothing ever moves. But um yeah. Yeah. That place is within you inside. It doesn't matter what's moving outside. That place is Yeah. in there

that piece is inside. Yeah. And it's not by

Yeah. And not by detaching but engaging and taking whatever is lighter kind of thing. In other words, not by going into some deep altered state and trying to detach from the world and my own emotion, but by being like, "Hey, maybe it's not so bad. Maybe it's okay. Maybe I can laugh." like that kind of image more. Yes. Because otherwise it's running away again. Running away from feeling. Yeah. But we don't want to run away anymore. Yeah. It's no escape. Stop it. Stop running away. Turn inward. Yeah. And here we are. The peace is here.

So I guess what would I take with me? just this that like just remembering these things to stop letting like when I see myself running away with the mind to stop aloping with the mind. Um well I would just say thank you so much five stars for you this time you know like you would rate like Netflix movie or something. Yeah. So taking it with a little bit of a humor. Yeah. Just Yeah. and um just take things a bit more lightly and that's huge.

So is that it? I mean what about the enlightenment part? When are we getting to the whole altered shift and understanding and all this? Well, take that with the with the humor, too. Look at this. Came to say hello. That that idea you mean? Yes. Yes. This you know this idea is like a carrot and you keep following a carrot and that can last for many many years instead of laughing at it and being here free already

free before enlightenment. others. There's nobody here to get enlightened. And seeing that is what we call awakening. So the fact that I think that there's still a me who is seeing stuff and laughing at stuff and having humor, that's not a problem. In other words, like will I be able to ultimately have lasting happiness and peace without this realization if I just take things lighter? In other words, what am I still missing here? You know what I mean? Like like what would you say to me to look further or deeper? Or is this like enough to rest in this kind of thing of like now my stomach is hurting but take it lighter and don't go into panic mode and don't go into spiral mode. Um tomorrow was something will come up with the health of members with the thing is you can't make a plan how it will be tomorrow what will come up what will come out will come up so we don't need to worry about this now whatever is here is here to be left fully and to be acknowledged and allowed and that's it because one of the most profound definitions of enlightenment that I found is the absence of resistance No push and pull. No, I want, I don't want. This pleasant is good. No uncomfortable is bad. It's just being here. Everything is moving freely.

But that can only be in the moment right now. Not in the plans about what is not happening. Well, these are coming up right now and just letting them pass freely, too. So we're looking at this sense of push and pull. I like it. I don't like it. This should be happening. It shouldn't be happening. You know that that relationship with events or situation. That relationship when it comes in is exactly what creates the me. It's not that it comes from me. It brings the me and slaps it in the middle cuz there is the outside situation there is beingness and then there's this push and pull the relationship. So from that point when you in that identity in that point of view then it seems like there is a lot to do a lot to fix and this and that and the other but when you are present you can see all that happening acknowledge it falls away then there is just what's here

so like right now my stomach is hurting there's some tension I'm not like freely allowing it the body is tensing up against its own pain. My jaw is clenching with it. Um, the mind is not the happiest with it, but as long as I don't go into a huge spiral of whatever panic and whatever, I can be okay with the fact that there's some tension in the body. It's not totally free and accepting and allowing of it. In other words, I don't need to have my body and mind be totally accepting of like when you talk about the push and pull, you don't mean that I should become this perfect Zen person that's okay with everything, which is my original idea. That's more like noticing that I'm not okay with some things and that's okay and that I'm tensing against pain and that's okay. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Well, in the end what it all unravels, you are kind of like a zen then person who is okay with everything. But in the beginning it's just acknowledging what is here and it's most difficult to see because it's so close. So it's these resistances are subtle or very loud but when it's subtle it's more difficult to see. So over and over over time it just gets more and more and more subtle. So you have to be really watchful what's here

which because that'll cause more suffering because when you are not then you're in a looping then you're looping but when you become aware of what is here it has an opportunity to self-resolve when you become aware of it can free itself.

So just keep watching for patterns of selflame, resistance, tension, this kind of thing, guilt, shame, whatever, whatever story the mind will take me into. Yeah. And not the good things as well. Mo mostly the good things. Is it used to look at the bad things, look for the bad things. See, aha see told you. But what about the good things that are happening? acknowledging little things.

So, it's not just all about being vigilant about my patterns of um spiraling, but also noticing more of the good things. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. Anything else that I'm missing or not seeing clearly or Oh, there are a lot of things that I'm missing and not seeing clearly. I don't know about you. We all have these blind spots and I don't know. Yeah. Well, I think it's a it's um conversation for the next time. But this sounds like a good direction. Yes. Yes. Yes. And I don't know if you saw but on my YouTube channel somebody commented on part with you said, "Oh, this person asked the best questions." So, thank you. Cool. I didn't see that. Thank you so much. I appreciate that. Thank you. Thank you. Okay, so our meeting is coming to an end again and I want to acknowledge everyone and thank everyone here for participating, for sharing, for holding space, just being here. Thank you.