The Hidden Reason You Still Feel Unfulfilled On Your Spiritual Journey

What if your regrets, guilt, and “what ifs” about the past are nothing more than sitting on a train wishing it turned left when the tracks only go straight?

In this powerful satsang, we explore a simple but life-changing metaphor: life moves the way it’s meant to, and no moment could have unfolded any differently. All the pain, joy, confusion, and growth have led you right here, right now.

If you’ve been stuck in regret, shame, or self-judgment, this talk is an invitation to let go and embrace the freedom of the present moment. Life is carrying you, all you need to do is trust the rails.

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Music by Valdi Sabev, Visit his channel for more calm and relaxed music 
https://www.youtube.com/c/ValdiSabev/featured

Subscribe to my Newsletter for updates and to receive info about free monthly meetings on Zoom 
https://ilonaciunaite.com/subscribe/

Music by Valdi Sabev, Visit his channel for more calm and relaxed music 
https://www.youtube.com/c/ValdiSabev/featured

Websites
http://ilonaciunaite.com
http://liberationunleashed.com

Transcript

You are listening to 
Awakening Now podcast. This is episode number 107
The Hidden Reason You Still Feel Unfulfilled on Your Spiritual Path

My name is Ilona Ciunaite. I am a guide, an author, and co-creator of the Liberation Unleashed community. If you are going through the process of awakening, this podcast is for you. Over the past 14 years, I’ve been guiding and supporting seekers on their journeys to discover inner peace and freedom.

In this podcast, I dive deep into the heart of awakening. Together with my guests, we explore the pivotal moments that spark transformation, what life looks like before and after the shift, and how to navigate the challenges and beauty of living an awakened life.



Do you ever feel like you need permission to truly enjoy your life? 

In this video, we explore how to let go of regrets, release old habits, and step into the freedom of living fully in the present moment. This is Part 2 of our series on releasing the past and discovering a deeper sense of joy and acceptance. 

Through real conversations and powerful insights, you’ll learn how to:

Stop waiting for permission from others
Break free from regret and self-blame
Embrace life as it is, right now
Transform sadness and resistance into presence and peace    

Let's imagine you are going on a trip. You get on a on a train and you're sitting there looking through the window. The train is going on the rails and you keep going and going. Everything seems fine. But then just suddenly you think, "Oh my god, the train missed the turn. It had to go left. It had to go left. Why it didn't turn left? There's something wrong. What can I do? What What's going on?" on and you kind of start panicking because the train didn't turn left,

but it couldn't have turned left. It's on the rails and it's just going well. The rails are laid. It's dead straight.

But then as a passenger in this kind of ridiculous scenario, you may think that there is something wrong because you had to go left and and you kind of lost now what to do or something had to be different and there's something wrong with the train or something wrong with you or the whole trip is off

and just thinking about this kind of situation think what the heck the train is going straight. What is this metaphor about? It's about our view on the past. Whatever happened many years ago, if there are these thoughts or it shouldn't have happened or had to happen differently or I missed something or I'm guilty about this, it's shame that this happened. Whatever ideas about the past that something had to be different, it's like sitting on a train and worrying that it didn't turn left.

So this metaphor is kind of an invitation to let go of whatever happened happen because that was the way the life turned out. This was the only way that it could turn out in that situation in any situation. And look at this. We are here right here right now. And every every step was necessary. Even though the time may have looked differently or even if there are thoughts about that life doesn't know where it's going,

but it's going where it's going.

So let's let's look at this today a little bit if you like. If there are any regrets, shoulds and shouldn't about what happened, shame, guilt, grief. It's an invitation to leave these behind.

And hearing this, do you have anything come up for you? Let's dive in.

What about the future course of the train? Oh, the future is not here yet. There are ideas about the future, but life is going where it's going. And it's the now that is creating the future. And some people say that the future is creating the now also, which yeah, I get it. But let's talk about the past.

This you know mind creates the future based on what happened in the past. That's why it's more important to clear all these ideas and feelings about what happened when nothing could have happened differently. Not one tiny little breath or word or action.

Okay, then I I go first then. Maybe I think George already muted himself again. So,

I mean, if I think about the past, I think I always had this narrative that my life didn't turn out at all the way I wanted it to go, like since school basically because I went to a compulsory military service and then I got depressed and got released and after that I always felt I'm a failure and

quit my studies and went traveling and now I'm traveling around still and I don't even have clue where I'm going to go in the next week. That was like one I'm still in Cholay by the way. I I stayed here for two weeks because I was undecided and my apartment was really nice.

Yeah. But but in general all the story boils down to just a feeling of discomfort, some kind of like some kind of stress level in a way. Not really trusting uh things are going my way or something like that. But let's look at this. Life is not here to go your way. You are here to go life's way. Yeah. It's good if you could see that always clearly. Yeah, it's like train turn left.

Yeah, I always notice that in night life as well. When I go out, I make a plan. I want to do this and then all kinds of unplanned things happen. That's why that's why I'm a bit bit addicted to night life. I think I I drink too much, go out too much, but I always meet so many people. So that's kind of yeah, it's not so controllable as a dayto-day life. Not less thinking and more more flow in a way.

Okay. But now let's look at the the story of your life. Whatever happened happened. Whatever happened had to happen. Brought you here.

So it's kind of making peace that nothing could have happened differently. I can sense the glimpse of that if just the story drops. Freedom is there immediately. Not even the story has to drop. Just the belief in the story. Yeah.

But it still feels kind of heavy. This heavy heavy heart is. Uhhuh. Okay. Let's feel into that. Just feel that energy.

It's okay for it to be here.

It's very welcome here. Thank you for coming. All that energy. Thank you for coming. I see you. Thank you for coming. I see you. And I honor you. I honor you.

Yeah. There's always a tendency to fight with my own energy, so to say. And that is exhausting. It's really exhausting.

Can you tell that that energy? I'm sorry for all the fighting. I'm sorry for all the fighting. I just didn't know. I just didn't know.

And can you ask that energy just saying what do you want the most? Tell me or show me what do you want the most. What do you want the most?

Authenticity maybe. I don't I don't get a clear answer, but that's the first thing that came up. Sounds pretty clear. It's the first thing that comes up. Yeah, you get it. Okay, I'll say I agree. I agree. I still pretend I'm cool and confident, but in reality, I feel like I'm insecure.

Yeah, it's good to notice that.

Okay. Can you tell that energy? I agree. Authenticity sounds very good. Yes to that. I agree.

Can you tell you have full permission to open up,

self adjust, self release? the full permission to

believe just Yeah. And shine. You have full permission to shine. You have full permission to shine.

kind of feels still uncomfortable.

Also very hot here.

Kind of a fear of other people as well.

Oh, I have the story again. Oh, I'm wrong. There's something wrong with me.

Okay. Um, when you say there's something wrong with me, where is the energy of that thought? What do you feel it in the body? Around here. Around here. Okay.

Tell that energy there is nothing wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with you. You can be.

You can be. Just feel into it. Is it safe to feel it?

If there's just so much confusion how to live my life. I live this unusual lifestyle and kind of cool but

guess it's kind of

this programming that you have to

kind of [ __ ] of course.

Oh, you know, we all know what we want and it feels good and what feels good, what feels not so good and what feels horrible. So that's kind of a compass in the compass. Yeah. and authenticity. What really is is following your inner yes and in a no that doesn't come from the mind or programming or some ideas how you should be. It comes from within and you know what feels good, what feels right. What's a yes and what's a no?

And and it's interesting to notice that our emotions are part of that mechanism that helps us to learn to listen to that yes and no. Yeah. It's a guidance system really. The mind can't really figure that out. The emotions are Yeah. The emotions will always say which thought is right and which thought is wrong.

So who's to say who's to say how you should live your life? It's your life. You only know it from within how to live your life. Yeah. Just recently I've been also quite lonely because yeah traveling around foreign country and Airbnbs instead of host like I used to

but it's also feeling feeling lonely. Mhm. Okay. Let's look at that. Was that feeling lonely in your system? Would you feel that feeling lonely? I think that's a bit deeper. Don't down here more little bit.

Okay. Tell it you can be here too. You can be here too. Yeah, you can be here. You're allowed. You're welcome.

Is it okay to feel

like a bit? I mean, I'm feeling it already. You cannot not feel it. Mhm. But is it okay? I mean, they need to fight it or diminish it or reject it or it's okay. I guess it's okay. Just Just barely. Just barely okay. Yeah, that's cool. Yeah, it's okay.

I have a bit trouble focusing right now because it's really hot and there's so many people around. Oh, yeah. I think it's it's also a good exercise not to sit in your meditation chamber for this but doing this in public basically

are okay. Um I think it's enough from me for now. You think? Okay, that's fine. You can talk later if you like. Yeah. Yeah. I I'm burning up here. Okay, get some shade. Roast it. Thank you, Luna. Thank you. You're welcome.

Oh, yes, Tammy. Hello. Oh, nice to hear you. You, too. Thank you. Um, I guess I'll share a little bit about where I'm at. I guess um I kind of I think that I've been listening to this non-dual stuff for a while, for a few months now. Um, I don't think that I've uh crossed over to the wild side, but um I think that I have some understanding of some stuff. Mhm. Um, I think mainly for me it's been seeing through uh stories and spirals like as I'm about to go into a new one and sometimes I don't go into it and it just collapses kind of before I can uh get swept away and sometimes I do get swept away and then there's hours of stuff and then either I still bate myself for getting lost and what's wrong with me? Why haven't I figured this out? all this kind of secondary stuff or I more easily just um you know like things will come out of my mouth like you know

whatever it is either I'll send a text too soon or I'll be at the park and someone will let a dog off leash and I'll be like excuse me can you tie it up and like um then I'll be maybe embarrassed that I'm still scared of dogs that no one else is there in other words but I'm not falling in as much I think for as long and I'm noticing the discomfort and what you ask about like is it okay to feel my answer has always been no but um it doesn't really matter it's here and um also I've been in a little bit less physical pain so it makes it easier to be able to feel the sensations of what is here in the moment rather than go into a story and I realized a lot of the reasons why I go into stories and to hysterical mode or adrenaline mode of fixing is because the moment is really unbearable. I really have been in a lot of physical pain and and I think most of my life I tried to say maybe it's all psychological, maybe I'm just lazy, maybe it's like to try and deny it or say if I just try hard enough it won't be there. Um, and I guess I'm not asking the questions as much or as deeply. So there's something there's something that's a little bit okay uh not getting as swept away for as long or stuff like this and sometimes yes um and I guess also there's maybe a disillusionment like I don't know it feel like I'm there's still a fight inside because it's like part of me feels like I'm growing up and being more realistic. like having heard from you know several non-dual people you know like all the fantasies that we have about what life can be if only I try hard enough like nope you know um

not necessarily and stuff and so giving up on all kinds of dreams of what I could make of myself of my emotional state of my physical body of how much energy I can put into life and what I can create to happen how I can help others all these things are like a little bit dropping and also my energy is dropping a little bit. So it's less hysteria often and but less what I call hysteria which is just highly charged, highly adrenalized, highly anxious to fix or um save or create or whatever it is. So I'm kind of not fighting as much. But it also feels a little bit antilimactic, like if I don't push, then amazing things don't really happen. In other words,

um I'm just used to being in very much go hysterical mode kind of this kind of thing. So, it's a little bit um I don't know, it's a double-edged sword. It's like on the one hand, it's more relaxing and on the other hand, it's not as interesting. exciting or it's inspiring and you have to give up on some of your dreams that only happen with intense intense crazy energy. So my brain imagining the worst, you know, you come into an empty house and like all kinds of just weird weird thoughts. Um but again, usually not stuck for as long lately. Um but then there are days Yeah, that's a very nice confirmation when you notice that it can come in. It comes in but it doesn't stick for too long, right? But then there are days where it does and I can't get out of like my stomach ache or and I'm my whole body's clenched up and I can't spiritualize it or like enter into the sensation or whatever. You like I can't go into it or like being angry at my sister and like bloody, you know, I'm just like the curse words are flying all day for hours and hours and I'm like, okay, you should be beyond this. And like I'm not beyond this. Yeah. But all these ideas that you should be or shouldn't be, they are just wrong. That that's what I say. The train is going straight. This is what is showing up. We're not here to judge what's showing up. It's to live it. To live it. So there I always feel I'm not on the train that I'm adjacent to the train and I need to run fast and jump on it like Yeah. But that's your train. This is how your your train is going. This is what's happening.

Yeah, Tammy, it's all good. It's all unfolding by itself and it's it's a process and it may take a while to unfold. Sorry, I missed that. I say it may take all unfolding by itself. Yes, it's all unfolding by itself. And it may take a while to unfold. So it's a little bit about giving patience and kindness to yourself. But there's there's nowhere to get. You're here. Whatever is coming and going is continuously coming and going. That's not you. But you are here.

So things are moving.

Things are Oh, sorry. Things are moving because I'm on a process or No, you're just here. Let's say you go into nature. You go into nature. You said in the park. Does anything changes in the park? Because you're there. Everything continues. Grass is growing, trees are swaying, birds are singing, dongles are running. Everything is happening. It's not it's not happening because you are there. You are there and everything is happening

and you can see it, observe it, watch it, enjoy it or judge it. Doesn't matter. I guess those are two questions. Sorry. Go ahead. You go. I had two questions in that vein of thinking of one I was thinking the other day like about this non-dual stuff and I was like we ascribe like you know it was all like about separation of like thoughts and emotions and cause and reaction and is there is it everything happening simultaneously or because of one another and then I was thinking like is there such a thing as emotion and you know all these questions that are asked and I was thinking you know we don't assume assume that a rock has an emotion, but we do assume that a cat or a dog or a bird has an emotion. And a tree, we're not really sure. Some people say that trees scream out when they don't have water, when they're cut down. And then I was thinking, if we, in other words, when you're in a non-dual state, do you also imagine that humans don't experience emotion? In other words, that things are just happening and then their beliefs floating around and just like, what do you mean by a non-dual state? um a nondual understanding where you no longer think that you're a person. You're just kind of like a floating being experiencing sensations and thoughts are just like things flying by. I don't know. Okay. I I know that it's very easy to get into some concepts and try to look at the reality through them and see if they fit. But nonduality is just saying that everything is happening on its own by itself.

There's nobody out of this movement. There's no dur outside of the movement. Everything is happening

and and it's it's here. It's always now and you can see it. It's no hiding. It's not hidden. When you when you look at it and see it, it's pretty obvious. Everything's flowing freely by itself.

It's the mind says, "I'm doing this. I'm making this happen. I'm in charge. I'm responsible. The train should go left." And but why is it not turning? There is something wrong. But life is going where it's going, the way it's going, and that's it. By life, I mean everything. Thoughts, emotions, people, situations, smells, tastes, everything. It's happening by itself.

Like look at nature because the nature is the best example of all of that because anything making plants grow or rain happen. It's a natural process. There is no D. There's nothing outside of that process making it happen. That's one energy, one life, one God. Oneness is there is no to there is no other than what is.

So sometimes the nondual concepts create some kind of um ideas about how it should look like or what is a nondual state. Everything is that only everything

And most most common thing what people say when they finally see that is like I I had no clue that it was about this. I could not have imagined that. It's just so simple.

I could not I didn't think this was it. Because the mind creates all kinds of ideas about how this should appear, will appear, what will happen. But it's looking at life and recognizing what is already obvious, what is already here.

So, it's not about that people don't experience emotions and stuff or that animals don't experience sensations or emotions. No, you you think that they do.

I know they are here.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess it's just confusing to me like I am here but there's no experience. I don't know. The whole thing is a bit confusing but I guess um okay so the mind creates an image of me as a person or me as a being or me as an experiencer and it seems like there is me experiencing life or life is happening to me but that me when we look at it it becomes obvious that it's not even there it's an idea an imagination

So what actually is here is these sensations, these colors, sounds, taste, smell, emotions, thoughts, everything is here. That middle man or that middle thing in between the me.

It's something that appears as an image comes up as an idea and you see it. Not that image that it sees it or experiences. You see it. But when I say you, it's not a thing or subject is knowing.

You know it. There is knowing.

And whatever is here, you know it. You know what's here.

Yeah, I guess I just don't see the difference yet. The team like if you're saying we are here, I know that I'm here. I know that they are here. Um, so isn't that us? The ones that know that we're here and know that, you know, people are now passing me and there's emotions and but like, aren't I the one that knows the sensations? I don't know. I guess it's just a bit um I'm not sure what I'm missing there yet. But because you're not saying you're not here. No, I'm not saying I'm here. I'm saying that the image in the mind of me as an experiencer as a do as a manager of life is just an image. It's fictional. That image is not what you are. No, there is no experience there.

There is just this that is being experienced and there is knowing of it.

So when you say you are here that's not the experiencer. No. Okay. So I'm not talking to an image. I'm not talking to an image of Tammy. It doesn't compute here to talk to an image. I'm talking to you. And do you hear my words? Do you know what it means? Yes. Yes.

It's not Tommy that knows these words or hear these words. You know,

Yeah. And because of language and all these words and I, you, me, all these words, at some point it gets really confusing. I remember that stage was quite confusing. But take it as simple as it is. It's just

you know what's going on. You know what's here. There is knowing what's here. just pure knowing.

From what you're saying, I get that Tammy is incidental. This name, this hair, this body. I know that I could have been born with a different body in different place. I'm very aware that this is just what happens to be, but on the other hand, I still feel like you're speaking about something else. Um, like I don't know cuz I'm experiencing or seeing the body of Tammy and I'm hearing this voice speaking to you now. And so you're saying I'm not. No, I'm not saying there's no experience there. I'm saying there's knowing, experiencing, perceiving, hearing, seeing. If you if you put that in verbs because language creates that subject that's the how the structure of the language is and we have to use word I I am sitting in a chair but if you just look at it through verbs as a process

it kind of gets more visible.

There's hearing, there's understanding, there's knowing, there's seeing, there's happening, there's being.

One more. Cuz when we wrap it up in nouns, it becomes like a still picture of something that is moving. And then we look at that picture and say, "Oh, this is what it is." But it's moving.

Um, thanks. I'll try to watch it again at some point. Um, but um I think that's where I'm still a little bit unsure. But um yeah, just in terms of like there's like less what I spoke about before, less desire to push or um do stuff. And I used to be constantly analyzing and working things out. And um on every level, relationships, how to spend my time. There still is a lot of brain activity, but um I'm not going into it as much. It's like I can't be bothered to do as much obsessive work on stuff as I used to. And I'm just worried like will the human part take care of itself or that's beautiful because as I say you're on a train train is going relax what if it's okay to relax and still things going to get done whether you're nervous and hysterical about it or not maybe not nervous or hysterical but doing a lot of work. In other words, it seems to me that a lot of my brain activity, you know, vision and then analysis and working and doing research has brought a lot of stuff to my life. It helped me, you know, work on chronic illness without needing medication. Like, it helped me a ton of stuff, but it was like day and night of research and stuff. And I'm losing my energy for that stuff. And I'm just really worried. Like, I don't know. I feel like I'm getting over something. Like, I'm just I don't have the energy to to be that obsessive anymore. And it feels like no one else is either. So like how do they get by and I have to be like obsessive 24/7 just to exist that um all my worst but if that's what's showing up for you that's okay I mean it's okay it's more like watching what's showing up just show something is showing up acknowledging it and everything's okay

I guess it just feels like anything worthwhile I've done has come from that intense intense time, energy and effort and adrenal like intense vision and work and thought and um I don't know I guess it's a little bit um I'm like how will my health get better if I need it to? How will my relationships improve? Like how will anything improve if I'm not um doing that? And I could just be like, in other words, most people with my stuff, they'll just take really harsh medicines, but I don't want to go that route, but it took me years of research and doing. So, it's not about that. The relaxation is not about that like dropping what you're doing. It's doing research from the calm place. You know what needs to be done. You know, you need to do your research. So you go and do your research and you you know what's right in the moment. It's just following that. But the thinking that owning or taking the credit that's the that's the realm of imagination.

See even your dreams are given to you. Everything is given. But then there is a voice in the head that claims ownership of it. I did this. I did that. Look at me. I'm good. I'm extra good. I'm extra bad. I'm special. That voice in the head doesn't do anything other than pretending to claim the ownership.

So you can still do all you do. But without that, I mean, if it's happening, you see it, acknowledge it. But if it drops away, it's not going to be missed cuz things still happen. Everything's still rolling.

Yeah. Just for yourself, think about this metaphor of a train and how that corresponds to actual life.

Yeah, I fully agree with what you're saying and I think I've always felt that way a little bit. I was like, well, it occurred to me to be this way or this is my personality. I didn't create it. Like all these thoughts already occurred to me, but this is like taking it one step further. But it's not just that the hysteria is dying down. It's a lot of the desire to obsessively act is also dying down. And that's where I get worried that like I won't take care of life um or won't create more stuff in life. You know what I mean? All the worthwhile stuff that came from that. energy. It's like I'm not doing as much. I'm not pushing as much. So, that a little bit worries me. But, okay. You know what I mean? Like giving up on a lot of stuff. Yeah. It's time then to see through that worry. What do you mean by see through it? Through the worry. Worry is what? What is worry? You can say that worry is love. Care. Because we don't worry about stuff that we don't love or care. So it's kind of misused love.

What if all is going to be well rather than this will happen that will happen. What if everything is going to be wonderful? I'd like that. Yeah, that sounds good.

It's calm confidence.

Worry is misused in a way that is scared of the future, scared of what will happen, what I will feel. But if there is calm, trust and confidence in life, you know it's going where it needs to go and exactly right.

Everything will still happen. What needs to happen will happen.

And it's the quality of your present moment that is important,

right? I guess I'm just worried that like life won't go where it needs to if I don't do my part. Like it won't be as good as it should be or you know what I mean? Like it'll derail if I don't do my part. And without the hysteria, I don't feel as much push. So it's just, you understand what I'm saying? like I'm not creating as much and I'm not doing as much as the worry drops away. So then I get worried about that. But yes. Yes. Yes. But also there is when the worry falls away when the worst push and pull falls away there is room for inspiration. There is room for natural curiosity and wonder and creativity. So what if you are not going to push yourself so hard and once that falls away you can relax and say oh I want to do that this is inspiring I would love that and act from that it's completely different quality

it's true it's just um not as I felt it a little bit it's just it's less it's less hysterical less worried that it's also less inspired and less energetic and less um the creative force isn't as strong like it's um I don't know it's not creating as much magic or as bigger big stuff or so yeah well we have to trust the train

but can I trust myself in other words am I being like lazy by not pushing as much anymore well if you are sitting on a train and pushing it pushing it does it go faster Oh god, there's a girl left. She's sitting and pushing. Doesn't even do anything. Just getting restless.

You mean trust the amount of energy and desire that shows up within me. Not just not just the environment or the life, but shows the life. Trust the life that shows up within me. In other words, how much desire, energy I have to push that day. Yeah. And what needs to happen will happen.

Yeah, but that sounds like a threat. Oh, you're not making effort. Well, what needs to happen is going to happen. You know what I mean? Like test it. Don't trust me. I'm just a messenger. You can just test it, right? I'm not sure I can trust it. But um but yeah, I'll test it. Yeah, test it on something small. Don't trust me.

It's not about you. It's about light. You know what I'm saying? But um yeah. Okay. Thank you. I just want to say thank you because um thank you. Thank you, Dami. Always great to hear you.

This topic can also be called free will. We have a free will.

But it's really really helpful to see that whatever happened in the past is the only thing that could have happened in that situation knowing what you knew. Whoever was involved, they did the best just the same way as you. And it's done.

Yeah, we can travel light.

So otherwise it may feel like we're dragging some I don't know a train which is not on the rails but like in a field through the field going forwards. That's intense.

Hey George, you're here.

I want to take a different train.

Uh the train so far has been perfect. I have no objection to where the train has been, but I don't like where the train is going. How do they know where it's going? Well, I'll tell you how I know. Mhm. I'm 85 years old. I know that my mind is going downhill. I know that my body is going downhill. Mhm. So that's what's happening. I also know that I can't do anything about that or whatever I can do I'm doing. But I'm just not accepting that. I don't want to I don't want to grow old. I mean, I've already grown old. I can have a lot of gratitude and thankfulness that at age 85, I'm still here and in relatively good health. So, that's great. But looking to the future doesn't look good.

There's no weather tray. I'm sorry. Say that again. There is no other train. There is no other Yes, I know there is no other train. Yes. Yes, I know that. And you know what? You are youngest today as you will ever be. Yes. True. Also, so let's just enjoy what's here. Yes. I think that's good advice. just enjoy what's here. And um yes, maybe I should not worry about trains, not worry about the past or the future and take your advice of just enjoying what's here. Yeah. Have fun. Have fun with what you have. Today is the only day. Yes. Yes. And who knows what will happen. Many things can happen but why to think about it while they are not happening? This today is happening. You're still in good health and good mind and enjoy it. What's fun for you? Yes. No, you're absolutely right. The problem is that my mind compares how I used to be with how I am now. I used to be able to do this, that, and the other thing, and I can't do that. But I just realized that's just the mind making its comparison. And as you say, there is no other train.

Sorry. We all going down the hill and this we are youngest there will ever be. Yes. Yes. Okay. Very good. All right. Thank you, Elena. You're very welcome, George. Such a pleasure to speak to you.

Okay.

Yay, Mary. Yay, Mary. Yeah. So, this ride that I'm on, the train that I'm not choosing and I'm not driving, how do I enjoy it?

Right. I Why do I voice coming back from you? Not anymore. That's okay. How do you How do you not enjoy it? I'm very good at not enjoying it. I can come up with lots of ways to not enjoy it. That I think I go fun for you.

It's familiar. It's probably No, it's not fun. And it it's very unsafe safe feeling. Does that make sense? Um, it's it's an amazing habit um that when I notice a habit is happening, I then get annoyed that I'm having that habit again because it's stopping the fun that I should be having. So, there's lots of loops. Um, okay. So, let's start from this one thing. Sounds a little bit weird, but have you ever given yourself permission to enjoy life or to enjoy yourself? Have you ever given yourself permission

No, I don't believe so. Um, let's do that. Let's do that. See, it it sounds a little bit crazy, but when we were little kids, we had to get permission from parents to do things that were fun for us. Let's say, I want to go outside, but they say, "No, you're not allowed. Go do your homework. Can I go now?" "Yeah, okay. Now you can go." And that kind of needing permission stays. But no, nobody's here to give us permission other than you know my own permission to myself. So what if you just now give yourself permission to enjoy life and just see how your system reacts to that because there will be a reaction. You can say aloud I give myself permission to finally fully truly enjoy my life.

No,

I can only Sorry, I can only just like do it as a question. What would be like to give myself permission? I can't just do it.

I give Sorry. I give myself permission. This is It's actually hilarious. I give myself permission to enjoy my life. Oh my god, you just did that. Yeah. How does that feel? Um, actually hilarious. Like quite um Yeah. Yeah. Say one more thing just to be sure. Okay. Um I

um I give myself I give myself permission to enjoy my life. Yeah. Okay. Now that it's like what does that even look like? What does enjoy? What what do I like? What's my life? But yeah. Um that's that was hilarious. Both. Yeah. Now we'll see what happens.

So now the there's a gentle sort of tugging at the bottom of my stomach, but it the image was almost like a bunch of trains arriving at the sidings. I mean, like, you know. Yeah. So, um, and I feel like I'm just gently pushing, nudging them away. No, no, no. But like, but like you do with kids, you're like, "No, no, not now. Not now, not now. Um, and I guess for everyone I say, "Yep, you're these thoughts that it won't work. I'm allowed to be there." Cuz I think that's what's happening. It's like, "No, no, no, that won't work. That can't be." Um, um, what's in the way of enjoying life? What's holding you back from enjoying life? Yeah, it's a good question. I don't have a great answer for. It feels like a bracing. It feels like a holding against if that makes sense. So yeah, what's holding against? What's this? It's not

um my whole torso. Um

yeah, that's it feels like something that um that is not I don't I don't mean this, but it feels like something not to be questioned. It just is. Does that make sense? Like that's just the way that Yeah. Right. I'm not saying I believe that, but that's what just Yeah. Just there. Yeah. Yeah. It's just there cuz it's like default state now. It's not It's not to be questioned. It's like how dare you. How dare to question this. That's how life is. It's not to be enjoyed. Not for you. It's the way it is. Yeah. Sucks. Suck it up. And the you know get that sort of dot dot dot. It's like don't do that or else. But we never actually say what the or else is like what's the scary thing that's going to happen? Does that make sense? Yeah. What's the scary thing that can happen if you enjoy yourself? Like if you actually appreciate your life, if you feel grateful and have fun. What's the worst thing that can happen?

Right now that feels like a free fall. Oh, and there's no whether that's good or bad, but there just is. It's just like like a shoot if that makes sense. Yeah. Mhm. And a shot like a shoot. Yeah. It drop down. Yeah. That's gem.

There's nowhere to go. Nice. No, no crashing down. It's just jumping off,

falling into being present.

That's interesting. It's um

my kind of it's it's late here, but all my kind of like worry muscles and my my my shoulders are everything's just my my brain is saying that there's nothing, you know, whatever. We're having this wonderful conversation about just jumping off, but my body is just kind of like, yeah, it's hard. My body is hard, if that makes sense. Like it's firm in place. So, yeah. Um, that's interesting. Yeah.

And every time I try to look at it right now when we do it, just disappears. There's just nothing there. Does that make sense? Yeah. It's nothing. It's just like Yeah. Something that appears to be there is not even there. No. And that something is given all the power to keep you from having a enjoy enjoying and joyful life. Like okay, you are here. You're right. There's nowhere else to be or nothing else to do. You are here. You're living in your situation, your house, with your people, with your work, with whatever you are here. Why not enjoy it?

It's not theoretically, but why not to enjoy this? Yeah. Yeah. This is this is great. This is what is now. It will change at some point. It will be gone at some point, but now it's here. Yeah.

What's wrong with this?

Maybe the words. Did you know a couple of people ago and we talk about that big thing of sadness and I experienced some of that too and that was as much fun as some fun that I have. I know it sounds weird, but when I looked at the sadness that I had, I was like, well, and it's a different one, but the same, if that makes sense. But that, yeah, same again. There was nothing there. Like it it wasn't as much hilarious as I had a couple of minutes ago, but it Yeah, I don't know. Having that emotion felt quite pleasant in the bad English, if that makes sense. as pleasant as a pleasant thing. Does that make sense? So yeah. So I don't know if it is just worrying or just labeling or I do think that permission is probably a bit of a Yeah. Because I think yeah probably go for the noticing something and then trying to fix it that kind of like there is no stop and allow that thing to be there. So, but yeah. Okay, just one more time. I give myself full permission to enjoy my life as it is. How about that? So, now I just feel guilty for not enjoying it. That's what it is. Well, it's done. What happened happened? Today is a fresh day. New. Yeah. No, that's it's good. I can yeah the the re one of the reasons I don't enjoy it is I have a feeling that I'm not doing the enjoying if that makes sense. So then I feel guilty for not doing enjoying and then we get go off to the races. Interesting. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. What happened? It's already gone. So when are you going to start enjoying life if not now?

Do you need to wait for something? Do you need to wait for something?

No. This train was going downhill. I just heard that.

Maybe up to the stars. Who knows? I don't know. It's a roller coaster. Yeah. Mhm. It goes a little bit this and that and the other. Yeah, that's true. Mhm. Well, you know, while while it's good, it's good. We can enjoy that. When it's bad, we know it's going to pass.

When it's good, we also know it's going to pass. Kind of have to enjoy it now.

Okay, before I go, I this is enjoyable. I need to Yeah. And I need to tell my brain like this. Yeah. This moment is, you know, is lovely. This group is this thing is fun. So, yeah, here we go. It's already happening. Told you.

Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you.

Um, I just like I've been just sort of thinking through um about this sort of thing about the past and for me it sort of brings up a feeling of sadness and which comes from wishing that the past had been different which I realize is like just my thoughts and from what we've been doing recently. Uh there's now more some sort of understanding that it couldn't have been different because it's just been created by the conditioning as as it's happened. It's it sort of happened. But then the mind wants to like still wants to blame. I'm getting a feeling that the mind still wants to blame something. um is a need to sort of

still not accepting it and it's sort of leaving me with a feeling of help like feeling helpless like I don't know like a powerlessness type thing that it's it it's not been none of it's I know it's all I realize it's all coming from the mind and that but it's sort And that's creating these sort of emotions. But it's that sort of feeling that

which I know there isn't any there can't be any control. But I say it just leaves me feeling okay. Let's let's just be with the blaming for a little bit. Let's acknowledge that blaming. It's somebody else's fault. Maybe it's even God's fault or life's fault. Somebody has to be blamed. Let's just agree with that. Yeah, it's want Yeah, it wants to blame me, but then now there's a realization there isn't a me to blame. So, I'm just getting in a That's okay. Just feel the energy in the body. Where is the energy of blame in the body?

Somebody's got to answer for that one. That's coming up in my throat in a throat. Okay, just let it be there. Now that I see you, I see you. You're here. You're welcome. You can be.

You can be.

You're allowed.

What do you want me to know? Tell me or show me. What's that energy? What do you want me to know?

I'm just getting sadness again now. Sadness. Yes. Let's meet the sadness.

Say hello, old friend. Here you are. Give me a hug.

Thank you for coming.

Can you ask the sadness?

What do you want the most? What are you waiting for?

It just wants to be felt, I think. Oh, wow. Okay.

Tell it you are okay. You can be as you are.

Yes. Yes. Yes. You're valid. You're welcome. You can just be as you are. I see you.

How is it?

It's okay. But uh still I think I think my throat I still think the throat sort of blocks it, represses it. Okay. up and then it's just like tightens. Uhhuh. Ask it. What's holding you there? Show me what's holding you.

I'm just I'm getting a feeling of heat in the body. Very good. Very good.

Any memories, images, ideas coming in as well.

I think there is there's something from way way back in the past like a school event that Okay. I think has sort of

it's only vague so I don't I think I've shut it some of it out because I can't remember but the that I think that okay let's just send some love there to that memory tell I see you I acknowledge you something happened there.

And that little young Joe at school, she was okay. Was nothing wrong with her?

Can you tell her that you love her so much? She's wonderful. She's wonderful. Precious.

And how's that energy here doing now?

It's feeling easier. Yeah.

No, it's needed to be felt, I think. Thank you. Oh, you're very welcome. Yeah. All these things arise to be felt.

the simplest thing.

Thank you. You're very welcome.