The Reality of Awakening: Why the Honeymoon Fades and How to Meet What Returns

Awakening is a shift in perception, a clear seeing of what you are and what you’ve mistaken yourself for. it reveals what was here all along

You’re listening to Awakening Now, a podcast for those who are on the path of self-discovery and spiritual awakening.

This is episode number 115. The Reality of Awakening: Why the Honeymoon Fades and How to Meet What Returns

My name is Ilona Ciunaite.

I’m a guide, an author, and co-creator of the Liberation Unleashed community.

If you are in the process of awakening, this space is for you. For 14 years, I’ve supported people through awakening—both the clarity and the confusion that follow the first insight.

This episode brings together three segments from a single live meeting, offering a clear look at the reality of awakening beyond the initial insight. We explore the honeymoon phase of awakening—why early openness and clarity fade, why old conditioning returns, and how awakening is not a final event but an ongoing recognition of presence. This part brings clarity to seekers who feel confused when expansion shifts into contraction.

The episode then moves into two practical sessions on emotional integration. First, we meet an inner child that has been calling for attention and driving compulsive behaviours like overeating and seeking validation. Then, in a live session with Tammy, we look at fear, intensity, and the belief that relaxing is unsafe, and how presence meets these movements without fixing or resisting them. Throughout all three segments, the focus is on meeting emotions directly, seeing through the mind’s stories, and recognising what is already here beneath every wave. 

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Music by Valdi Sabev, Visit his channel for more calm and relaxed musichttps://www.youtube.com/c/ValdiSabev/featured

Transcript

Awakening is a shift in perception, a clear seeing of what you are and what you’ve mistaken yourself for. it reveals what was here all along

You’re listening to Awakening Now, a podcast for those who are on the path of self-discovery and spiritual awakening.

This is episode number 115. The Reality of Awakening: Why the Honeymoon Fades and How to Meet What Returns

My name is Ilona Ciunaite.

I’m a guide, an author, and co-creator of the Liberation Unleashed community.

If you are in the process of awakening, this space is for you. For 14 years, I’ve supported people through awakening—both the clarity and the confusion that follow the first insight.

This episode brings together three segments from a single live meeting, offering a clear look at the reality of awakening beyond the initial insight. We explore the honeymoon phase of awakening—why early openness and clarity fade, why old conditioning returns, and how awakening is not a final event but an ongoing recognition of presence. This part brings clarity to seekers who feel confused when expansion shifts into contraction.

The episode then moves into two practical sessions on emotional integration. First, we meet an inner child that has been calling for attention and driving compulsive behaviours like overeating and seeking validation. Then, in a live session with Tammy, we look at fear, intensity, and the belief that relaxing is unsafe, and how presence meets these movements without fixing or resisting them. Throughout all three segments, the focus is on meeting emotions directly, seeing through the mind’s stories, and recognising what is already here beneath every wave.

this expectation or the idea that there is some kind of finish line that once I see or once I'm awake in it or once I get it everything is going to look differently in a way that life is going to become easy light no problems no stress no conditioning everything is just going to be amazing

The tricky thing is that yeah once it's seen there is that sense of lightness of that shedding or something opening up but that is just a stage. It's um let's call it the honeymoon phase. And in honeymoon phase everything seems light everything seems okay everything is oh fresh and new and exciting but it passes. So the honeymoon phase is is not what awakening is. It's just a beginning. Awakening is not an event. It starts with an event. It may be an event but not for everyone. Mostly it's a gradual thing. Belief after belief starts dropping away and then what's left is everyday life really.

So when the mind has this idea that awakening should look this way, I should feel this way and then the reality of everyday life shows that no,

it's not like that. Then there may be um a struggle here because of all these stories on the internet, in books, everywhere. People talking about how amazing it is, how free it is, how wonderful it feels. Yes, for a little bit and maybe for a longer time. But it keeps coming up, expanding, contracting, expanding, contracting. There is no done forever, happy ever after. There's no such a thing. There are waves. Everything breathes. Everything breathes. There's expansion, there's contraction. There's expansion, there is contraction. And then contraction is not the cause for expansion. And the expansion is not the cause for contraction. It's it's one movement. Life flows. things happen. The awakening is not that this stops happening as it's imagined by the mind. It's that this is okay. This becomes okay. The fight starts to lessen.

But it's a process. It's not one inside and happy ever after. That inside opens something up. See, when this energy or life, events, situations keep keep coming and going, keep coming and going, there's something else here. And that something else is not here where it's coming and going. It's it's the backdrop. It's the beingness. It's the recognition of that silence or spaciousness where everything goes.

So, so that shift from thinking I am here to seeing that I am here. That shift is awakening. And that shift is not one time event. It's constant. Every moment is an invitation to come back into this. And then the mind will come in with all these stories again and grabs attention. And that's why it's g so confusing. Why is this still happening? But that's how it is. That that movement recognition is coming back to beingness. Coming back to here now. As simple as that. Here now. What is here now?

So when the mind creates that story about this line that has to be crossed and then everything is going to be wonderful after that.

This is also here to be seen as a another belief another expectation another thing that is obstructing relaxing into presence of the now.

And that that can be a problematic because if we believe that there is something out there that is going to shift life or happy ever after kind of honeymoon experience. It's never going to happen because all of this is waiting to be included, waiting to be allowed and waiting to be acknowledged and validated.

So in a way that seeking for happy ever after is is denial of what is here now.

And not every day is pleasant. Not every experience is feeling good or wonderful and that's okay. But that's what life is showing up as in that moment. That's how it is.

So it's a very interesting dynamics because beingness is always here. It's not something to get to. It's not something to become because it's already here. It's to be noticed. And then from that place everything is seen differently. That's the shift. Because if I am in this identification where I think I am this human or person who is seeking for life to change and I'm seeing from this from this view completely engrossed in the story that view

creates all kinds of emotions and discontentment and resistance because it's not what they what they want to see. I want to see something else. But if that view is seen as just another arising and there is a possibility and ability to look from presence from here now just noticing what is here that relationship with life or with situation starts to collapse starts to clear itself out.

There is more space for that for the movement for the tensions and expansions to come and go.

Cuz when you are seeing it from being, it's all okay. There's nothing wrong. There has never been anything wrong. just stuff that is flowing freely through this knowing through

and then there is nothing to look for anymore because what you what you need is already here. Everything's already here.

So all this starts to loosen up, becomes porous and doesn't hold anymore. And maybe when the stories come in and grab attention and it seems like I'm I'm stuck or I'm I'm this identity, I cannot let go. There is something to do.

It lasts less time. it can be seen quicker.

So in a way it's a very gradual process of recognition freshly over and over again what's going on.

And that stillness is available now. It doesn't disappear. It's what holds it all together.

So that stillness or that openness or the spaciousness or whatever words knowing, awareness, consciousness, beingness, existence, there are many words that point to the same. But that is not asleep. That has never been asleep. It's not what awakening is. This this doesn't awaken. You can notice in experience that there is alertness, there is awakeness, there is receptivity, sensitivity, noticing, observing, knowing what's going on here. That doesn't sleep. that doesn't awaken because it's already fully awake.

And this this bundle of thoughts, identities, imagine characters also doesn't awaken.

The awakening is in between from identifying with this to dropping into presence.

This

bundle, it's always described as a bundle, but when you start looking, what is that? It's just thoughts, emotions, behaviors, conditioning, stories. There's no bundle. There's nothing that holds it together. But it flows. It keeps flowing very fast. Rapids. Life's rapids. So this doesn't awaken

and that is already awake.

There's nothing to wait but to to recognize now

what is true in experience. What is already here

and there is no done. There is no finish.

Everything continues.

The only question then is where are you looking from? In other words, what is looking? What is looking? Is that the person looking? This identity is looking. Is it just seeing what is here?

So my invitation to you today is to explore to see where you are, where you are looking from and what are you seeing. Are you seeing that there is some kind of waiting for some kind of event to happen or there is recognition that what is here is already free?

Okay, Bo. Let's Let's have a chat. Let's rock and roll. Let's rock and roll. What's looking? Wow. Yeah.

Let's see what's looking. So

um the story um I'm going to go really relative here. Okay. So yeah. So, um, I've discovered there's such a I would call it a scream inside of me. Uhhuh. You know, an inner part that is screaming for attention from other people. And, uh, this I I I just imagine there's a lot of unreleased pain there. Mhm.

the and and and and and because of that it's very difficult to rest because there's two possibilities there's either can I be present with that part that is so screaming from attention from the outside or do I get taken away in bringing in attention to that part. You know, I don't know what to do anymore. Kind of given. If it's screaming for attention, let's give it attention cuz it's not going to stop. You know, you try to shut it down. You try to run away, ignore it, deny it, and all other tricks. But if it doesn't work, then let's say something else. Let's give it attention. Would that be okay? I have I I Yeah. Yeah. in in Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Okay. Okay. Let's just recognize that part. And to recognize that part is is not in the story. It's not words. It's not concept. It's actual felt sense in the body, sensation or energy, whatever you want to call. What do you feel that part? Words.

something around can't rest can't rest and where do you feel that energy of that not being it's better when I'm here of course but otherwise if I'm not here you know it's either over overeating almost it's gone so crazy now because the you know all the layers have come off and I'm very close to this stuff here and so it's almost constant eating and kind of trying to manage it by eating. Mhm. Yeah. Yeah. So there's that happening and it's just uh but what you're asking what's here now? Uh well that there's some level of of being comfortable because we can talk about it. Yeah, it's getting attention, right? Yeah. It doesn't last for real long, you know. Yeah. Okay. I' I'd like to invite you to just get connected to the body. Where is it in your body? Where is that sensation?

Ah,

in the heart area I would say in the heart. Okay. Now let's just acknowledge it. Tell it I see you. I see you.

I see you. I'm here. And thank you for waiting. Let's acknowledge that it's been waiting. Thank you for waiting.

I'm here now.

I'm here now. I see you. I see you.

And I know you're not comfortable.

Tell that energy. I know you're not comfortable. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah.

And I'm sorry you have to scream so loud and I'm I didn't answer your call.

There's a concern here. I I don't know. There's a concern. Don't know whether this is going to work, but interested. Yeah. I don't know either. Nobody knows.

Yeah. It's more like exploring. seeing what happens if you do give it attention because it wants attention. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. But I I want to check something with you. Yeah. I think the same stuff in here that's crying for attention could also be the same that is going for food, going for attention.

Okay. The way it works is that going for food is fixing the problem. It's not a problem itself. It's fixing the problem of it helps to deal with our feeling. So it's really a remedy. Going for food is like putting a plaster on a wound, right? And when we start dealing with that plaster thing, with that solution as if it's a problem, it's not the problem. The problem is that feeling that gives birth or that cause or something, anything to not feel pain. Yeah. Yeah. You see, so going for food has been serving it, serving the whole system because it helps to soothe that screaming pain. Yeah. Yeah. Right. And we've been maybe trying to take it away, but it wasn't time yet because first it needs to heal, then the need for food or whatever else falls away too because there is nothing to Exactly. Exactly. You see, and I'm I'm only scratching the surface on it because it's like I wonder when I go for food, why do I do that instead of coming into the pain of it? Yeah. And and that kind of reflection is only just happened. I mean before it was just boom food. It's like the energy seeking for something out there while running away from here and there is only seeing that movement instead. We can turn and look at what is there. That's what I'm hoping for more of that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So if you feel that feeling now, that uncomfortable energy, just give it a little bit more attention. Feel it. You don't need to do anything. Just Yeah. But now it's being soothed by talking about it. So it's not quite so strong, but it is there because there is tension. H. And can you drop one question into it and see what comes back from that? Right. Okay. The question is, what do you want the most?

What do you want the most?

Then uh there's not answer coming but there's presence arising. Uhhuh. Okay. The answer doesn't have to be in words.

Just in case it needs to hear it, tell it you are safe. You are safe.

It's something like that that is happening now. It's like a child in a cradle and and now we're now we're cradling the child and he comes become soothed. Yeah. He's been crying.

And when you see that it's just innocence, innocent child that wants attention. It's not a monster. It's not something to get rid of. It's more something to laugh

than if I if I can if I can go that way. That's true. But otherwise, I'm out there hunting people down for attention. It's wild. Yeah. Yeah. But it only wants your attention. I know. That's the tricky part, you know. And it's beautiful because you can give it to it. Yeah. You don't need other people to give it attention. you can give it attention. I had the same inquiry earlier today when uh but you know it doesn't quite happen after the sessions patterns just continue. Mhm.

But maybe we're coming deeper in in this session. Oh, see.

Okay. You can ask that energy head on. What are you? What are you? Show me. Show me.

Something verb will come, but I I don't know how serious it is. Mhm. It said, "I am love." Oh, wow.

Ask this love. Do you want to be free and love and go out and

expand and experience and explore yourself? Do you want to be free?

Do you want to be free?

Presence. Presence arises. Ah, sweet.

It's not answering very verbally, but energetically it's answering. Yes. Yes.

Now there's an expansion happening. Wonderful. Just stay with it. You don't need to do anything. Just see what's happening. Give it attention.

It's your attention that is needed for transformation to happen with the help of you. Um I would say with the help of presence through me but it's not from me. So there are three things going on. There is the energy that is being felt. There is a tension that is holding it. And then there is presence that allows all that thing to unfold by itself.

[Music]

[Music] It's literally like a child that's being soothed in its cradle. Yeah. He becomes quiet. Yeah.

It wants to be at ease. Yes. Yeah. And you know when children don't get attention in what they need, what do they do?

They scream. Uh not not me. It's the other version of shutting down and stuff. But I'm talking about little babies. Babies need attention. Right. When a little baby needs attention, doesn't matter what it needs, you'll scream. It screams. Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh. Oh. Now, now I can connect things. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It does scream. Yeah. Definitely. Yeah. Definitely. Yeah. It's like it's screaming so loud. It's burning down my house, you know. Yeah.

And now looking from this place, you may see that this child, this love is screaming for attention because it wants to feel good, to feel at ease.

But the mind, the mind doesn't have access to that, doesn't know that consciously. So, it tries to fix that scream by shutting it down or giving it thought or trying to get rid of or just running away from it or grabbing on to other people whichever way you can cuz for the mind that's a problem. But for here, it keeps crying, keep screaming. Do you see that now? Oh, yeah. Yeah, definitely.

So, so seeing that innocence, that child, that baby, can you tell that baby, I love you so much and you can take all the love from me. Oh, I'm here for you. Oh, can take all the love from me. [Music]

I love you so much. I'm here for you. You can take all the love from me

and you are safe. And you are safe. Yeah.

There's some response because the is getting louder. Uhhuh.

Tell it I am safe to

you from the outside. No, you tell the baby that you are also safe. He's safe and you are safe and it's just beautiful relationship.

I am safe to you.

How how how can I how can I uh make make sure I don't run away from this in food and seeking external attention?

We're going to do something right now. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Can you invite that baby or that innocence? Say, "Come and live in my heart. My heart is your home."

Can Can you come and live in my heart? My heart is your home.

There's some response

the the the spaciousness is more or something. Yeah.

Uh can can you come and live in my heart? My heart is your home.

Expansion. The response is expansion. Yes. Yes. That's that's when that energy relaxes. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. When the energy relaxes, all this stuff is happening. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Oh. So now I have some uh uh I don't want to say benchmark. I have some I have something to when when I continue the conversation I can see if there's a response coming because that's what I'm learning now.

Uh

this is what I'm now I'm getting help for the kind of um connecting with it that that I've not been doing but I'm now uh uh you're you're helping me to do that now.

Yeah. It's it's almost like family therapy, you know. Yes. The internal family. You are this baby's dad and mom. A parent.

I've called you in from the outside. Please help with our family here. Right.

And is the baby happier now?

the the thing to I'm I notice is you know when the energy relaxes there's an expansion

it's not it's not going to the mind to to communicate it's communicating differently Yeah.

Yeah. It's a felt sense. Yes. It's not verbal. It's not conceptual. It's not words. Yes.

And I am normally very conceptual. So, but I'm I'm doing a daily practice. That's why I can notice other stuff happening.

And I can see the light in your eyes now. It's like

[Music] just a reflection.

What do you see from the outside happening?

I don't see outside. [Laughter] Well, in in terms of duality,

I don't even know what to say. That's good. That's good. Wow. I'm here with you. That's so It's not outside.

Wow. Um, okay. There's one thing to say that that call for attention or wanting to be accepted or wanting to be loved is very primal for everyone. It's universal. It's one of the basic needs of wantings. Wanting to be accepted, wanting to be loved. And the misconception or misunderstanding is that somebody else can give it or it needs to go come from somewhere else someone else that's a quick fix. So it doesn't fix anything. But no the trick is to see that why we need some somebody else's love and validation. Yes. It gives a permission for you to love yourself. If somebody else shows you love, it gives you a permission to say that it's okay to love yourself. Oh yeah, that's beautiful. Now,

but you don't need anyone else's permission to love yourself.

I love you. You're always in my heart. I'm I'm trying that on. Mhm.

Oh yeah. Energy immediately. Boom. Energy.

There was so much energy used trying to avoid that. Oh, tell me about it. Yeah, it's awful. No more.

Now you you know what's happening. [Music]

Now, now I'm I'm being I'm being helped to discover this way to communicate with it, to bring it into the heart, you know.

I could see what the issue was, but I didn't know what to do. Yeah,

it all works unconsciously. That's why we can't really see what's going on

from from this place. We can't see it.

The mind is just building ideas about what this is. But you cannot see it. You can see it when you bring attention into it.

You are the present.

You are the presence. That's that seems to be a very important point for you to bring across. I have had uh an an awakening where I'm not so uh uh bound by the personality. So I can really expose stuff because it's not me anymore. Mhm. But then when when this intense stuff uh happens, it's a little different. Now I'm suddenly a person again in in some ways but not completely. I hear you.

I just uh want to make want to uh be sure how much time more time you have for me or should we uh give the time to someone else now? You feel it's finished now? Ah uh let's see

just communicating with you there some expansion again.

[Laughter]

The story came. You You're the other parent out there. I can't have you to going away.

How am I going to manage?

You don't get an instruction when you become a parent, do you?

Ah, you mean I'm going to have to make a fool of myself again?

Let it teach you. Well, say teach me. I don't know how to be a parent. What do you need? What do you want? I like I like hearing it because it gives a lot of permission. Brings a lot of permission.

Yeah. I don't know. I'm new. I didn't even know this was possible. Oh, that is so good. That is so good.

So uh this uh inner part. So uh can it forgive me for not being a good parent? Ask it. You don't need to ask me. You ask.

Uh

uh that's kind of um that's vulnerable.

Oh.

Oh, that's horrible. That Oh [ __ ]

Ah

ah

presence is increasing a lot now but uh

can you forgive me for not being able to help you?

This is very strong.

It's getting very loud. The presence. What does that mean? Something is moving. Oh, that your your question, your request is opening the field.

your sincerity,

your

your true wanting to be a good parent. It's making making a change.

So sweet to hear that.

you I'm talking to the parent and it's also funny mother is here. [Laughter]

Oh, so sweet.

Yeah, it's uh it's practicing to get in touch with this stuff. Mhm. You know, which I've not had any ideas how to do, but with the help of this session, something has been started up now. Mhm. Which I hope to continue. Yeah. Yeah. And daily practice is just to getting in touch with that deep part. You can call it child. You can call it little little one. You can call it innocence which is this pure playful innocent energy. Whatever whatever name it doesn't matter the name. It's not conceptual. You know it by experiencing it. And that part wants to be loved. So the daily practice would be acknowledging it, holding it, rocking it, telling that it's safe. Oh, when having a chat. Oh, it's so good. You're Oh, it's so good. You're into the relative stuff and not the other [ __ ] No. Well, what's the point of other [ __ ] if it doesn't work in daily life? [Laughter] [Music]

Thank you.

Thank you. Wow, that's so beautiful. What happened? Oh, I want to cry.

said

in my heart

really grateful that feels like that. There you go. It knows what it needs and what it wants.

It's more like watching watching it unfold. Giving it space. Not fighting it anymore. Yeah. That's it. End of fighting. Ah. Oh, I hope I'm mature enough after this session. such a strong pattern to go to the food and whatnot.

Let's see. And you know, you can we can meet in private if you like. Oh, yeah. Follow up for support. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Good. Thank you. See how it goes. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Thank you again. Great. So sweet. So sweet. Thank you. 

Hi, Tammy.

Hey, Ilona. Hey, great to see you. To hear you. Good to see you, too.

Um, I guess I'll just share a little bit of where I'm at. Um, some physical stuff has come up really strongly and it's brought up a lot of emotional stuff as well and just so much confusion. Um I guess along this path and stuff and um I think my mind is so concrete and when people say things I try to understand what does that mean you know like just allowing does that mean I just sit on my couch like I just I'm very very concrete and I can laugh and smile at it but I really don't get it and um trying to understand everything and just um just a huge jumble of things um just the fighting all the time of of trying to to solve the physical symptoms and the and then the clamping down that the body will do and then I can't really breathe and it's like what's happening and then release the next day and the body's fluid and then craziness in the mind and the emotions and I can't seem to stop it or dissolve it and then that goes and then and then wondering if what's my next step like on the human level if I need to change the food or stuff or if I need to let's just look at what is right here right now. Don't need to think about uh what anything just right here. I was just going to say one more thing about the about wondering about love because that's what came up with you guys about um do I need external calming or loving relationships and kind of just being in despair about like well that's not going to solve it either. then I just need to be by myself and just like very confused about what to go out in the world and do versus is it all just internal and what's the role of acting in the world

too much too confusing? No, it's all internal and the external is a reflection of intern. So the only thing is to take care of what is going on here

and the rest will take care of itself.

So let's see what is going on here right now

on the physical or mental emotional.

Oh sensation. Emotional. I just want to cry and cry and cry. My heart is breaking open for the whole world, for myself, for everyone. It's just I just sense any sort of discomfort or pain or struggles or dysfunction or lack of communication or my niece and nephew will cry or say my name or just any discomfort just cracks my heart open. I'm just like cracking open at everything. I don't know what's up. Yes. Yes. Let's allow that crack open. Let's just be with that. Allowing is just allowing yourself to feel what you're feeling. That's it. I'm just so much despair that I've been running running running running running for decades so that I wouldn't stop anything. Let's stop and it's just not working. Let's stop. Let's stop for this moment right here, right now. Let's stop.

Stop running and feel. Yeah.

Just feel there's nothing else need it. Meeting that feeling fully.

It's not mental. It's not physical. It's your energy. energy that is waiting for attention so that it can express itself. So that is allowed.

This feels like a huge mess of everything. There's despair and hopelessness and fear and love and tiredness. I don't know. And it's all okay to feel. Safe to feel. It can just feel.

Is it okay to feel what you're feeling? Yeah, it's okay. And um

yeah, it's okay. But then more waves of other stuff come up and then I get worried. But um yeah, that worry is also okay to feel. Let's include that too. It's okay.

It's like I said in the beginning, it's sitting back and watching watching the movement. That movement comes and goes. Does what it does. You're not that. You're not there. You are here.

You are here. So, what is my role? What is my responsibility? What do I do? That's the movement. You can see the movement. That's in the movement. Allow that.

Uh-huh. And then just like after a moment of relaxation the mind comes back like crazy and the body comes like the craziness starts again like oh my god oh my god I have to solve I have to solve you know that comes up and it's acknowledge that too this is happening yes this is happening

tell that energy I see you I'm not you you're not me I see that there is some movement to solve to fix

there's trying I let go of that what will happen like I'm just so scared but what will happen you just be relaxed okay take care of my life oh you will but from a relaxed state I mean why do you need to panic about normal everyday life you don't need to you still do the things you do

but will I still or Will I just fall into some existential despair depression? You know what I mean? What a tricky thought, isn't it? It's like, oh no, you cannot relax because that is existential threat to what?

Like if people live relaxed and then then so what is it not okay to live relaxed, at ease, peace? Hello

It's okay to be okay. It's okay to be at peace. It's okay to be calm. It's okay to feel okay.

It doesn't feel like it. When I hit it for one second, I'm like, "Oh, this is fine." And then it's like, "Oh my god, what do you mean fine? You're not taking care of the rest of your life." And like incredible starts. the rest of your life. There is now. That's it. You're here. This is the life. This is life.

This is life. To want to live it panicked and trying to take care of some future. Yeah. That's the pattern. That's the pattern. Yeah.

So literally you relaxed a little bit. What happened? Was there any danger? Is it unsafe to relax

for a second? No. But then it's like, okay, now what? Like now we, you know, we have to manage things. But no, we don't. We can relax now for two seconds. Okay. Can we relax? That's already too much. Shona, you're a second. Okay, just tiny little steps. Let's see. It's enough time to breathe in and breathe out and breathe in again and breathe out again. Nothing collapses if you relax. Check it.

Life is here. Colors, sounds, sensations, everything's here. Nothing disappears when you are at ease.

So, it's not physical. It's not emotional. It's the energy. That's fascinating. It's the energy.

Sorry, what did you say? It is the energy. Okay. If you look at for example Yeah. Do you see my screen? There's a cup. Yeah, there's a cup. Inside the cup, there is space, right? There's space inside the cup. So, it's as if the space inside the cup is spinning so fast that it feels that it's trapped inside the cup.

But it's the same space here. It's the same space here. There's no difference. But it seems like this space here spinned itself into some kind of bundle of space and feels closed off, trapped and contained and contracted.

That's how it is. That's how it looks. that there is something in here trapped, contracted in pain, doesn't like it. It wants to get out because it it feels like there is a lid. But truly there is no lid. There is no containment. It's just this openness. So that this space here and space here is the same space. Now if you look at this this as a metaphor for your own beingness.

The space is beingness. It's not contained. It's the cup is in space. It's the container is in space. Not the space in the container. Meaning whatever is happening, whatever contractions are here, whatever feelings, sensations, energies are here, they are happening in space. And that space is you.

The feelings being the cup or the space inside the cup. There's no inside and outside. It's just space. It's you. You are here as present. here now, not in the future because that's already spinning. That's already that's already the movement of something that is not even there.

So if you relax, nothing changes.

If you are at ease, nothing changes. Nothing gets lost or collapsed. Can still feel and function and do what needs to be done.

Yeah, I guess I feel like the space inside the cup won't be okay unless I twirl myself into a ballerina or a typhoon and like get out of the cup and Yeah, literally a storm in a cup.

But you can just step out a little bit and see that this is all happening and it's not you. It's not what you are. But if I'm not creating the storm or am I creating the storm, then I can't stop it either. So then what can I do? Or am I creating it?

See, tell it. I see you. I acknowledge you here. I see you.

And then just watch what happens. You don't need to do anything. You can't do anything really other than just witness it. Witness it doing its dance. Mhm.

So let's let's relax right now. Maybe for three seconds. Okay. Just a couple of breaths.

Breathing in. Breathing out.

Yeah, it's pretty okay. There's still some tension in the body, but it's not terrible. But it's still held. Yeah. Is it okay to feel it? To feel the contraction. Yeah. Is it okay to feel it?

It feels like I should be solving it. You know what I mean? Like I'm doing something wrong. I have a wrong mindset or wrong attitude or wrong something or wrong food. Stop it here. Let's stop here. There is nothing to solve that tension is included.

But would it be happening if I was doing the right things? Sure it would. Cuz life is not openness 24/7. That's what I talked about. Happy ever doesn't exist. Mhm. It's not something you do or don't do. There is no happy. There's life happening, ups and downs, tension, contraction, openness, happiness, crying. Everything is flowing freely already.

Nothing needs to be solved. It's here to be felt.

And it's okay to feel it.

So, let's not solve the contraction. Let's just be with it.

So from this point of view, is it okay to feel it?

It's better for a second and then it's like it feels irresponsible or unkind to let the body suffer and it feels like I should be trying to solve it. And did you try that before? Yes. Did it work?

globally. No. How long are you going to keep trying to solve when you see that it doesn't work?

Then giving up feels bad, too. Oh, we never tried that. To be yourself or suffer to suffering doesn't feel good either. Let's see. just for a little bit. What if you give up trying to fix it and just let it be?

You're just screaming. You're doing something wrong. You're doing something wrong. Okay. Okay. Feel that scream. Feel that pain.

Tell it I see you.

You okay? You're safe.

Is it okay to feel it?

The thoughts keep coming up about how it's not okay but um but the energy just feeling itself

it's painful and unpleasant. Mhm. Okay. Let's let's acknowledge the resistance to it now saying yeah I don't like it. This is too much. You should be gone. I don't want this. Let's agree with all that. It's okay to feel that.

And that energy is here not to be liked. It's here to be felt.

So even though it's unpleasant, is it okay to feel it

at those intensities? Not really. When it softens a little bit. Yes. Is it okay to feel intensity?

It doesn't I can't relax into it at those intensities. You know what I mean? I I I barricade against it. Yeah. There is a resistance to it because it says it's not safe to feel intensity. Let's acknowledge that the resistance is protecting.

But what's the danger of feeling intensity?

What will happen if you feel intensity?

Yeah. When you say it like that, it can let go and then things dissolve a bit and they feel more bearable because it's the resistance that is tension. The resistance is tension.

But if that energy is allowed to be here, it can do its movement. It can it can self transform. When it's not allowed to be here, it's stuck. Keeps waiting. But when it's allowed to be here,

and when it's held nicely and gently in attention,

things start happening.

So is the reason I can't do this myself because I keep believing the thoughts that I need to solve it. That's your pattern that there is something to solve. But you can see through that too and then it's easier because it's just an old program running. It's not true. The mind cannot solve. Mhm.

And can I always let go of the resistance to the pain or the contraction around it? Yes. How do I do that? You agree with it? Mhm. Like this is uncomfortable. I agree. I don't like it. I agree. This is horrible. I agree. I want this to go. I agree. There's nothing left to say. You just agree to it until the resistance is here also to be heard. It has its voice. It's protecting saying this is not okay. I agree this is not okay. Really? You hear me? Oh, you hear me? Okay. I'm kind of I get out because I've been hurt.

So, it's honoring resistance. And then when that softens, when that releases, you can look at the energy and let that be too. But it comes here because the energy is uncomfortable and it wants to free itself.

It's it doesn't come here to be fixed.

I keep looking at it in the label of the chronic illness and seeing what more steps can I take and it seems hopeless and like I just get in swirls of like you know ways of fixing it but you're saying it's just meeting the energy of it. Meeting the energy of it and on a human level on a body level there are all kinds of things that can be done or cannot be done and and that's included too. It's not like if I sit and meditate and allow this energy and that will fix my condition. It's more seeing from here what is happening and allowing all kinds of movement. All movement is okay. Going to a doctor is okay. Getting medicine is okay. Sitting and feeling it is okay. It's not like getting rid of some part. It's more about seeing that it's all included.

Yeah. And just that everything I'm doing is from this frantic frantic frazzled energy. And so that's what we're trying to release before taking action. Not to release. You cannot release. You can be even letting it be. including it. It's completely different movement. Releasing is saying, "Okay, get out of here. I don't want you." That's that's what it is. But saying, "Okay, you can be here. You're all out. There is enough space for you to you can be."

It's completely different movement. So meeting instead of solving. Yeah. And you can meet the wanting to solve too. Mhm. But you are here. You're here. All this is happening, right? You can't you can't do anything with it. But you can let it be. That's the tricky thing.

Because it's awesome.

Because the mind has so many other ideas. Yeah. The mind has its ideas how it should be, how it should feel. Yeah. And then tries to fit reality into that image and it cannot and gets frustrated.

When really it's the image that needs to go to be seen that it's just an image. It's not the truth. It's just an image. The truth is what is happening.

The mind's screaming. How can you just let this be? What's wrong with you? Act act like screaming. Mhm. But um Yeah. Well, it's screaming anyway. I'm saying in general that's what it screams. Yeah. Yeah. It's screaming anyway. Yeah.

sometimes hard not to listen to it and just allow what is. It screams so hard to not allow what is, you know. Yeah. But did you did you hear the conversation with Bo? It's screaming because it wants your attention.

The energy or the thoughts want my attention? The the energy. It's always about the energy. Thought is just delivery system. It's always about the energy.

Wow, that's beautiful. Okay, so it takes it out of the thought and takes it out of the body and puts it at the energy and meeting it. Yeah. And the thought is just screaming so that I'll pay attention to the energy, not to the thought itself. Yeah. You could nicea. You're brilliant. I don't know. Wow.

Well, play with that. I hope I can do it. Yeah. Yes, you can.

It seems to only happen when you say it, but I'll try. Trust. Trust your experience. Trust it. Yeah.

Thank you so much. O your tummy.